A few Friday night NBA observations
1) I will start this one by saying that I still believe that Carmelo Anthony was the 2003-04 NBA Rookie of the Year, not the guy who won the award, LeBron James. And Anthony has improved tremedously since then and is a borderline franchise type of player right now. Now that I've gotten that out of the way, as things currently stand now, Anthony isn't a pimple on Lebron James' backside.
James is so athletically dominant, he can pretty much do whatever he wants on the court. He is currently more of a threat off the dribble in the halfcourt than Kobe Bryant. Please go back and read that last sentence again. He came into the league with so much hype, I desperately wanted to despise him. But his talent is boundless. He is not far away from being the best player in the NBA. His problem is that it does not appear that the Cavs have provided him with the right coach to partner up with.
LeBron has the ability to average 35 points a game. If he does that, the Cavs would probably miss the playoffs. The challenge that coach Mike Brown has in front of him is not an easy one, but I do not think he is doing a great job. Most coaches who have superstars tend to coach less and partner up more with superstars. Phil Jackson has created a legacy out of partnering up with superstars, but I digress. With James, Brown has to do both. His superstar/partner is the one that needs the most coaching. For the Cavaliers to fulfill their potential, he needs to teach a 20 year old James concepts that Michael Jordan didn't learn until he turned 30.
Firstly, James need to be one of the guys. He's too young to be an isolated superstar. His veteran teammates will resent him. A public spat with Larry Hughes doesn't help anything. It probably sounds unfair, but thats on the coach. Hughes' bad attitude and James' immaturity notwithstanding, these are your two best players. Hughes is making 13 million a year to head up LeBron's supporting cast. Squeezing Hughes on minutes in crunch time proves nothing and creates bad feelings. A very valuable simple premise of coaching commonly repeated by Jeff Van Gundy, get your best players on the floor when it matters the most.
The second point is that Brown needs to make LeBron understand that if he shoots less and passes more, the Cavs will win more. In the games so far this year that James has had 9 assists or more, the Cavs are 3-0 . In the games so far this year that LeBron has shot the ball 25 times or more, the Cavs are 0-6. He is such a talented passer and so hard to guard off the dribble, there is no reason for him to ever take a perimeter jumper off the dribble. Also, if LeBron's teammates like him more, he'll probably pass to them more. With that said, Brown is in a tough spot. Odds are LeBron will probably not learn this lesson until there is a coach partnering up with him who is wearing some jewelry.
2) So it seems like Ron Artest is getting the TO treatment for the media. But NBA general managers are somewhat smarter. Indiana pacer president Donnie Walsh reported today that he was encouraged that he got 12-15 offers. My question is whats wrong with the other 15 general managers.
The way I see it, there are only two teams in the entire NBA that should not be getting Walsh on the phone, San Antonio and Detroit. And the reason is simple, neither of these teams need to undertake the risk of trading for a psycho. But Artest would be an enormous help to every other team in the league.
As you've probably already surmised, I watch a lot of basketball, There is definitely an intensity crisis in the league. This guy is the most intense player in the league between the lines, and that includes practice. The whole league needs a guy this intense. If you're the Bulls, don't you trade Ben Gordon and Nocioni for him. If you're the Nets, wouldn't you take Artest and Jeff Foster for Vince Carter?? I guarantee guys wouldn't be laughing in the locker room after a 20 point loss.
The best teams in the NBA all have one big time perimeter defender that can make the best players in the elague work very hard for their points. The Spurs have Bruce Bowen. The Pistons have Tayshaun Prince. The Heat went out in the offseason and got themselves James Posey, who they hope can fill that role. One of the main reasons the Pacers are a title contender is because they have Artest.
Now Artest has put the Pacers in an impossible position by publicly demanding a trade. They will have trouble getting full value because he forced their hand, and his well earned reputation doesn't help. But he's the type of player whose value shows up in the most important of statistical categories, the win column.
3) As a follow up to an NBA prediction I made 6 weeks ago: It looks like I might have been dead wrong about the Nets.
Firstly, it seems like Richard Jefferson is a little too concerned with keeping up with Vince Carter offensively, he's forgetting what got him his max contract, defense. It seems like night in and night out, the best perimeter player on the other team keeps lighting him up. And Vince Carter is starting more and more to the lazy, jump shooter the Raptors traded. Combine that with a 33 year old Jason Kidd and a big man rotation that is thin and not physical, and you've got a team thats two games below .500. They may get lucky and get a 3 seed because their division is a disgrace, but I'm issuing my mea culpa now. This is not a team that advances deep in the playoffs.
Friday, December 16, 2005
Monday, December 12, 2005
These are the sports related items that are annoying me on this cold winter Monday night.
1) Tony Dungy- His team is on the verge of making history and he stands there in press conferences like his just saw his dog get hit by a car. And what about this nonsense that he may sit his starters while his team is undefeated. Is he nuts?? This team has a chance to be a team for the ages that runs the table in the era of parity and he's coaching them scared. There's no doubt in my mind that this team has what it takes to go undefeated. My question is whether their coach has the intestinal fortitude to get them there. If I was a player on that team and heard his pensive noncommital drone, I'd wonder a little bit about my leader. The Colts have proved they can kick everyone's butt and their most improtant butt kicking time is coming up soon. Coach Dungy, you've got a special team here. Its not enough to allow them to pursue greatness, you must implore them to.
2) Major League Baseball Owners- The next time there is a serious labor negotiation, no one in that sport should have the nerve to cry poor. The absurdity of major league contracts has never been worse. The owners would tell you that it isn't and point to things like we haven't seen contracts anywhere close to Manny Ramirez' or Alex Rodriguez', but the prices being paid for average major league baseball players are downright obscene. In the last two weeks, we've seen the Dodgers give 13 million dollars a year for 3 years to a leadoff hitting shortstop with a .284 career batting average(Rafael Furcal). The Bluejays gave 9 million dollars a year for 5 years to a 30 year old relief pitcher who has closed for exactly one season in the majors(B.J. Ryan). The Mets gave a 34 year old closer with a violent pitching motion 4 years at 11 million. Now, I like Billy Wagner, but they're paying him more per year than the Yankees pay Mariano Rivera and they're going to be paying him 11 million a year when he's 38. And the worst one I've seen was today. The San Francisco Giants decided that they were short on overpaid players in their thirties. You see, Moises Alou, Edgardo Alfonzo, Omar Vizquel, Ray Durham, and Jason Schmidt aren't enough. They had to have Matt Morris at 3 years and 27 million dollars. This is the 31 year old Matt Morris who has had serious shoulder surgery twice in his career and has not completed a season with an ERA under 4.00 since his last operation.
I hope the owners are proud of themselves. I'm sure MLB commissioner Bud Selig will tell us its progress because the Yankees and the Red Sox weren't buyers of any of these players. My answer will be, thats why the Yankees and the Red Sox are good every year.
3) Stan Van Gundy's resignation- Those who regularly read this space know that I am quite fond of Stan's coaching prowess. And I certainly got my panties in a bunch this summer when Riley casually mentioned to a reporter that he "wanted more control of the day to day operation." All this makes it that much tougher to swallow that Stan left this job on his own. I have a purely speculative theory. Shaq wanted him gone. To me thats the only explanantion. I don't think Stan would have left because coaching Shaq and Dwayne Wade together is a once in a lifetime coaching opportunity that a lifer like Stan most likely would not readily walk away from. If Riley pushed him out because he wanted the job himself, there would be no need for a cover story. Anyone who faxes in his resignation like Riley did in New York is totally comfortable being prtrayed as a classless backstabber. But Shaq is a different story. He's wildly popular nationally. He's a marketing machine and he's now positioned himself as a pillar in the community with his law enforcement work. But most importantly, he prides himself as the anti-Kobe. If he was on record as having run a respected coach off a great job because he didn't like the way he was being coached, his untarnished image could take a hit. And what may be more important to him than that, might be the lost ability to play the moral superiority card over Kobe to the media. Shaq is a master at managing the media and if he had a role in Stan's firing, and the media catches wind, he will lose that upper hand. For Riley, like it would be for anyone else, a happy Shaq makes a productive Shaq. That, and maybe Riles wanted to get back to the sidelines just a little bit..........
1) Tony Dungy- His team is on the verge of making history and he stands there in press conferences like his just saw his dog get hit by a car. And what about this nonsense that he may sit his starters while his team is undefeated. Is he nuts?? This team has a chance to be a team for the ages that runs the table in the era of parity and he's coaching them scared. There's no doubt in my mind that this team has what it takes to go undefeated. My question is whether their coach has the intestinal fortitude to get them there. If I was a player on that team and heard his pensive noncommital drone, I'd wonder a little bit about my leader. The Colts have proved they can kick everyone's butt and their most improtant butt kicking time is coming up soon. Coach Dungy, you've got a special team here. Its not enough to allow them to pursue greatness, you must implore them to.
2) Major League Baseball Owners- The next time there is a serious labor negotiation, no one in that sport should have the nerve to cry poor. The absurdity of major league contracts has never been worse. The owners would tell you that it isn't and point to things like we haven't seen contracts anywhere close to Manny Ramirez' or Alex Rodriguez', but the prices being paid for average major league baseball players are downright obscene. In the last two weeks, we've seen the Dodgers give 13 million dollars a year for 3 years to a leadoff hitting shortstop with a .284 career batting average(Rafael Furcal). The Bluejays gave 9 million dollars a year for 5 years to a 30 year old relief pitcher who has closed for exactly one season in the majors(B.J. Ryan). The Mets gave a 34 year old closer with a violent pitching motion 4 years at 11 million. Now, I like Billy Wagner, but they're paying him more per year than the Yankees pay Mariano Rivera and they're going to be paying him 11 million a year when he's 38. And the worst one I've seen was today. The San Francisco Giants decided that they were short on overpaid players in their thirties. You see, Moises Alou, Edgardo Alfonzo, Omar Vizquel, Ray Durham, and Jason Schmidt aren't enough. They had to have Matt Morris at 3 years and 27 million dollars. This is the 31 year old Matt Morris who has had serious shoulder surgery twice in his career and has not completed a season with an ERA under 4.00 since his last operation.
I hope the owners are proud of themselves. I'm sure MLB commissioner Bud Selig will tell us its progress because the Yankees and the Red Sox weren't buyers of any of these players. My answer will be, thats why the Yankees and the Red Sox are good every year.
3) Stan Van Gundy's resignation- Those who regularly read this space know that I am quite fond of Stan's coaching prowess. And I certainly got my panties in a bunch this summer when Riley casually mentioned to a reporter that he "wanted more control of the day to day operation." All this makes it that much tougher to swallow that Stan left this job on his own. I have a purely speculative theory. Shaq wanted him gone. To me thats the only explanantion. I don't think Stan would have left because coaching Shaq and Dwayne Wade together is a once in a lifetime coaching opportunity that a lifer like Stan most likely would not readily walk away from. If Riley pushed him out because he wanted the job himself, there would be no need for a cover story. Anyone who faxes in his resignation like Riley did in New York is totally comfortable being prtrayed as a classless backstabber. But Shaq is a different story. He's wildly popular nationally. He's a marketing machine and he's now positioned himself as a pillar in the community with his law enforcement work. But most importantly, he prides himself as the anti-Kobe. If he was on record as having run a respected coach off a great job because he didn't like the way he was being coached, his untarnished image could take a hit. And what may be more important to him than that, might be the lost ability to play the moral superiority card over Kobe to the media. Shaq is a master at managing the media and if he had a role in Stan's firing, and the media catches wind, he will lose that upper hand. For Riley, like it would be for anyone else, a happy Shaq makes a productive Shaq. That, and maybe Riles wanted to get back to the sidelines just a little bit..........
Thursday, December 08, 2005
Please accept my heartfelt apologies for the lengthy delay between entries.
There has been so much said about the Terrell Owens fiasco that, quite frankly, I've been hesitant to write about it. The reporting has been extremely one sided and its difficult to discuss a different type of angle on it because inevitably, it could make a writer sound like a TO apologist. And Michael Irvin has that market cornered ( along with a couple of others, according to the Dallas police). With that said, I'm going to pursue my angle and give it a shot.
Andy Reid has done an outstanding job of building a program in Philadelphia. He has sustained consistent year over year success, which is an extremely difficult to do in the modern NFL. I have a tremendous amount of respect for him as a football coach and evaluator of personnel. And if he is one day fortunate enough to be inducted into the NFL Hall of Fame in Canton, Ohio, there will be no mention of the 2005 season on his bust.
From the very beginning of the season, Reid knew that Donovan McNabb's health was fragile at best. He essentially started the season with a sports hernia and quickly banged up his knee. Without McNabb, it would be virtually impossible for the Eagles to get back to the Super Bowl. Yet in 4 of the Eagles first 6 games, McNabb attempted 45 or more passes. In two of those games, he attempted over 50 passes. Is this how you protect a fragile quarterback? Last time I checked, the Eagles had a guy named Brian Westbrook who is a more than capable running back. In the four preceding years when Reid advanced to the NFC Championship game (and 1 year the Super Bowl), he always exhibited a much more healthy balance of running and passing. And most of those times his franchise quarterback was actually healthy. When you consider that Westbrook didn't have a contract for next year when this year started, would it be a stretch to believe that the one sided offense was designed to further management's negotiating leverage?
While we're on the subject of his franchise quarterback, in retrospect, was it the best idea to unconditionally support McNabb? Many people will tell you yes, but I wholeheartedly disagree. Now don't get me wrong, TO's act is deplorable. However, some of the things that have trickled out of the Eagles locker room during this entire fiasco would have you think that McNabb is a lot more popular with the people he works for than with the people he works with. It is Andy Reid's job to know this. His answer was to banish the better player and severely damage the season. Even though TO was not in their future, that entire locker room knows he's the best player on the field every week. McNabb's unwillingness to work things out and Reid's support of that will permanently effect McNabb's image among his teammates. In my opinion, the McNabb/Reid Eagle regime is permanently damaged.
One of my daily rituals during the NBA season is the combing of box scores while I'm on the can in the morning. (my only doody reference in this entry. ) Through this process, (the box scores, not the doody...oops) I've noticed a disturbing , short sighted trend among NBA coaches. It is amazing how many minutes many coaches are playing their starters. And keep in mind, most of the offenders are coaches who are planning on coaching right through the end of May.
Flip Saunders always have very good regular season records when he coached the Minnesota Timberwolves. Yet, come playoff time, they mostly fell flat on their face. And after watching Flip coach the Pistons through their first 15 games this season, I can see why. Flip is killing his starters. Last night, in their 16th game of the season, the smallest minute log for his starters was 37 minutes. Hey Flip, if your reserves aren't good enough to play in December, how much are they going to help you in may when you've burnt out Billups and the Wallaces.
Saunders isn't the only one doing it. Mike D'antoni's doing the same thing in Phoenix. But he's got an ace in the hole with Amare Stoudemire returning in February from an injury. Phil Jackson is doing it in L.A. He would probably tell you that he has no other option because Kwame Brown stinks, but competent professionals like Luke Walton and Devean George are not playing all that much. If the Lakers get to May, the only shot they have to make any noise in the watered down Western conference is to have Kobe and Lamar Odom as fresh as possible.
Then we have the other side of the ledger in coaches who are seeing the bigger picture. Look at the Van Gundy brothers. Jeff got off to an awful start this year in Houston, already losing Tracy McGrady twice to injury, yet he still kept his eye on the ball and is playing nine guys double digit minutes both nights. Stan has a very deep bench, but has spent most of this young season without Shaq. But he's still giving plenty of minutes to Alonzo Mourning and Jason Kapono, and even though he's playing Dwayne Wade a ton, he's keeping everyone else fresh. Same goes for Mike Fratello in Memphis who has a deep bench and uses it, night in and night out. And then there's Greg Popovich who does have the luxury of the deepest bench in the NBA. But he does a masterful job of using it. He knows that his bread is buttered with Duncan, Ginobili, and Parker. So he plays Mohammed, Barry, and Udrih more this time of year, because he doesn't want to have to use them a lot in May and June. And that more than anything else will be the reason the Spurs will raise the O'Brein trophy once again come the middle of June.
There has been so much said about the Terrell Owens fiasco that, quite frankly, I've been hesitant to write about it. The reporting has been extremely one sided and its difficult to discuss a different type of angle on it because inevitably, it could make a writer sound like a TO apologist. And Michael Irvin has that market cornered ( along with a couple of others, according to the Dallas police). With that said, I'm going to pursue my angle and give it a shot.
Andy Reid has done an outstanding job of building a program in Philadelphia. He has sustained consistent year over year success, which is an extremely difficult to do in the modern NFL. I have a tremendous amount of respect for him as a football coach and evaluator of personnel. And if he is one day fortunate enough to be inducted into the NFL Hall of Fame in Canton, Ohio, there will be no mention of the 2005 season on his bust.
From the very beginning of the season, Reid knew that Donovan McNabb's health was fragile at best. He essentially started the season with a sports hernia and quickly banged up his knee. Without McNabb, it would be virtually impossible for the Eagles to get back to the Super Bowl. Yet in 4 of the Eagles first 6 games, McNabb attempted 45 or more passes. In two of those games, he attempted over 50 passes. Is this how you protect a fragile quarterback? Last time I checked, the Eagles had a guy named Brian Westbrook who is a more than capable running back. In the four preceding years when Reid advanced to the NFC Championship game (and 1 year the Super Bowl), he always exhibited a much more healthy balance of running and passing. And most of those times his franchise quarterback was actually healthy. When you consider that Westbrook didn't have a contract for next year when this year started, would it be a stretch to believe that the one sided offense was designed to further management's negotiating leverage?
While we're on the subject of his franchise quarterback, in retrospect, was it the best idea to unconditionally support McNabb? Many people will tell you yes, but I wholeheartedly disagree. Now don't get me wrong, TO's act is deplorable. However, some of the things that have trickled out of the Eagles locker room during this entire fiasco would have you think that McNabb is a lot more popular with the people he works for than with the people he works with. It is Andy Reid's job to know this. His answer was to banish the better player and severely damage the season. Even though TO was not in their future, that entire locker room knows he's the best player on the field every week. McNabb's unwillingness to work things out and Reid's support of that will permanently effect McNabb's image among his teammates. In my opinion, the McNabb/Reid Eagle regime is permanently damaged.
One of my daily rituals during the NBA season is the combing of box scores while I'm on the can in the morning. (my only doody reference in this entry. ) Through this process, (the box scores, not the doody...oops) I've noticed a disturbing , short sighted trend among NBA coaches. It is amazing how many minutes many coaches are playing their starters. And keep in mind, most of the offenders are coaches who are planning on coaching right through the end of May.
Flip Saunders always have very good regular season records when he coached the Minnesota Timberwolves. Yet, come playoff time, they mostly fell flat on their face. And after watching Flip coach the Pistons through their first 15 games this season, I can see why. Flip is killing his starters. Last night, in their 16th game of the season, the smallest minute log for his starters was 37 minutes. Hey Flip, if your reserves aren't good enough to play in December, how much are they going to help you in may when you've burnt out Billups and the Wallaces.
Saunders isn't the only one doing it. Mike D'antoni's doing the same thing in Phoenix. But he's got an ace in the hole with Amare Stoudemire returning in February from an injury. Phil Jackson is doing it in L.A. He would probably tell you that he has no other option because Kwame Brown stinks, but competent professionals like Luke Walton and Devean George are not playing all that much. If the Lakers get to May, the only shot they have to make any noise in the watered down Western conference is to have Kobe and Lamar Odom as fresh as possible.
Then we have the other side of the ledger in coaches who are seeing the bigger picture. Look at the Van Gundy brothers. Jeff got off to an awful start this year in Houston, already losing Tracy McGrady twice to injury, yet he still kept his eye on the ball and is playing nine guys double digit minutes both nights. Stan has a very deep bench, but has spent most of this young season without Shaq. But he's still giving plenty of minutes to Alonzo Mourning and Jason Kapono, and even though he's playing Dwayne Wade a ton, he's keeping everyone else fresh. Same goes for Mike Fratello in Memphis who has a deep bench and uses it, night in and night out. And then there's Greg Popovich who does have the luxury of the deepest bench in the NBA. But he does a masterful job of using it. He knows that his bread is buttered with Duncan, Ginobili, and Parker. So he plays Mohammed, Barry, and Udrih more this time of year, because he doesn't want to have to use them a lot in May and June. And that more than anything else will be the reason the Spurs will raise the O'Brein trophy once again come the middle of June.
Friday, November 18, 2005
When I went back and read my last entry, I was drawn to that little snippet I had about Michael Irvin essentially wiping TO's backside. Firstly, it was written a little awkwardly and was probably funny only to me. But more than that, I thought about that whole rite of passage for select superstars where they have a particular interviewer who serves up the journalistic equivalent of batting practice.
This rite of passage was established by the greatest we'll ever see play basketball, Michael Jordan. Ahmad Rashad gave Jordan complete control over every interview they ever did. Jordan used Ahmad to craft his own public image and in exchange Ahmad got exclusive access. He served as Jordan's public security blanket. Jordan needed that if he wanted to keep selling sneakers. At the time I sort of begrudged Jordan for it, but in retrospect he probably needed it. His fame, greatness, eagerness to compete, and his love of gambling made him a target. His public image was too much of corporate asset to risk the wrong answer to the wrong question. But this trend now borders on ridiculous, mostly because you'll always find a reporter who will be someone's "Rashad".
Barry Bonds has, does, and always will despise the media. Evidently, when people starting discovering that baseball players were cheating and that Bonds didn't hit 73 homers using protein drinks and flaxseed oil, the media was to blame for writing it. But, yet with no endorsements to speak of (i.e no corporate image to protect), Bonds will grant special access to only Joe Morgan. I like Joe as a baseball analyst, but those interviews with Bonds are forced and uncomfortable. Morgan completely ignores the fact that this guy has a reputation of being one of the nastiest people on earth and is universally disliked in baseball circles. He lets Bonds put on an act, and he keeps getting long interviews. But Joe's not the only one.
Which brings me to the reporter who to me is the worst offender of being a "Rashad". In 1991, in a bar called Saints in Teaneck, New Jersey I ran into the New Jersey Nets coach at the time Chuck Daly. He was sitting at a table with a little known sideline reporter whose face I recognized, but whose name escaped me. My friend and I walked over to Daly and introduced ourselves. He was happy to meet us and actually acted interested in chatting a little basketball.
After about 2-3 minutes of conversation, in which Daly seemed to be enjoying, this twerp across the table scolds us to, "leave us the hell alone right now!" The following week I was watching an NCAA basketball game on CBS, and the sideline reporter was the guy sitting with Daly, Jim Gray.
The same Jim Gray, who during a celebration of the 50 greatest baseball players of all time at an All-Star game, brow beat Pete Rose for the sole reason of trying to promote himself as a "guy who asks the tough questions." Those of you who read this space regularly know I am no fan of Pete Rose. But Gray's ambush that night was misplaced and cowardly. Which is why his evolution into a "Rashad" is probably the most nauseating of all.
Kobe Bryant is a young man who thrust himelf into the spotlight far before he was ready to be there. For as amazing as his basketball talents are, his reputation for dealing with people is amazingly bad. Between his ongoing feud with Shaquille O'Neal, his rape trial, and Phil Jackson's book, his squeaky clean image has been flushed down the toilet. Yet for some strange reason, the same reporter who tried to create a tough guy reputation at a vulnerable flawed man's expense during what may have been his last moment of glory, now acts as Kobe's public lap dog. And when you break it down and think about it, its perfect kharma. Gray's reputation as a credible reporter goes up in smoke for a guy who's made himself publicly irrelevant.
Which brings us back to Michael Irvin, who by comparison is not so bad. You can at least understand that access to and defense of TO could keep Mike working another year. Because when he needs to count on skills as a football analyst, its all over.
While I'm on the topic of ESPN's football coverage, are there any worse people to listen to talk about football than their Sunday night crew, Mike Patrick, Joe Theismann, and Paul Maguire. Patrick hollers all the time and every play he calls gets trivialized by yet another superlative. Theismann only wants to discuss who he talked to yesterday and carries way too much ego for a guy who wasn't that good and isn't that cool. Joe, no one cares that you were once married to the blonde chick from "That's Incredible." And Paul Maguire should be watching these games from his couch drinking a Schlitz beer. He tries to have strong opinions, but they're always on calls that are totally wrong. And Theismann preens like a peacock when he's right and Maguire's wrong. Joe could find a better argument at his local nursing home.
Speaking of Theismann, whats the over/under on games it takes Al Michaels to approach ESPN next year and issue a him or me ultimatum about Theismann. I set the number at 6 1/2 games and I'm taking the under. The last analyst AL had who was as bad as Theismann was Frank Gifford. That last year they worked together, Al had such an attitude with Giff, that you thought that Dierdorf had to pull Al's hands off of Giff's wrinkled neck during the commercial breaks. Al even had a tough time with Boomer who isn't the best, but he's not bad either. But Theismann makes Boomer look like John Madden in his prime. Speaking of Madden, how's that for a trade for Al. Losing Madden and adding the lovechild of Forrest Gump and Fabian. By game 5, AL will have thrown Theismann down a flight of steps, screaming, "do you believe in miracles???"
So I just recently renovated my house. I installed new toilets in all of the bathrooms, and I went to extra expense to make sure that I had the best toilets money could buy. Around three weeks ago, I was taking one of my Saturday morning monster dumps. (Friday's always a big eating night) And even though I have these expensive toilets, I always keep a plunger handy. As you can probably guess, I clogged the toilet and the plunger didn't work. So being the lazy ass that I am, I called the plumber. To his credit he shows up within a half hour and gives me a tutorial on how to not clog up the toilet. And he seems like a really nice guy. Then as he finishes within 10 minutes, I ask him the dreaded question, "what do I owe you?" He hands me an invoice for $205.43. I couldn't help myself. I look at him and ask him incredulously, Do you mean I just took a 200 dollar dump? And this ripoff artist, who's currently billing out at $1200 an hour, deosn't seem to find the humor in it as I hand him a check for $205.43.
The ironic part of the whole thing, I clogged it up again. This time I borrowed my brother's snake and took care of it muself. I figured if the overly friendly plumber with the bad sense of humor can bill out at $1200 an hour, maybe its something I should learn.
This rite of passage was established by the greatest we'll ever see play basketball, Michael Jordan. Ahmad Rashad gave Jordan complete control over every interview they ever did. Jordan used Ahmad to craft his own public image and in exchange Ahmad got exclusive access. He served as Jordan's public security blanket. Jordan needed that if he wanted to keep selling sneakers. At the time I sort of begrudged Jordan for it, but in retrospect he probably needed it. His fame, greatness, eagerness to compete, and his love of gambling made him a target. His public image was too much of corporate asset to risk the wrong answer to the wrong question. But this trend now borders on ridiculous, mostly because you'll always find a reporter who will be someone's "Rashad".
Barry Bonds has, does, and always will despise the media. Evidently, when people starting discovering that baseball players were cheating and that Bonds didn't hit 73 homers using protein drinks and flaxseed oil, the media was to blame for writing it. But, yet with no endorsements to speak of (i.e no corporate image to protect), Bonds will grant special access to only Joe Morgan. I like Joe as a baseball analyst, but those interviews with Bonds are forced and uncomfortable. Morgan completely ignores the fact that this guy has a reputation of being one of the nastiest people on earth and is universally disliked in baseball circles. He lets Bonds put on an act, and he keeps getting long interviews. But Joe's not the only one.
Which brings me to the reporter who to me is the worst offender of being a "Rashad". In 1991, in a bar called Saints in Teaneck, New Jersey I ran into the New Jersey Nets coach at the time Chuck Daly. He was sitting at a table with a little known sideline reporter whose face I recognized, but whose name escaped me. My friend and I walked over to Daly and introduced ourselves. He was happy to meet us and actually acted interested in chatting a little basketball.
After about 2-3 minutes of conversation, in which Daly seemed to be enjoying, this twerp across the table scolds us to, "leave us the hell alone right now!" The following week I was watching an NCAA basketball game on CBS, and the sideline reporter was the guy sitting with Daly, Jim Gray.
The same Jim Gray, who during a celebration of the 50 greatest baseball players of all time at an All-Star game, brow beat Pete Rose for the sole reason of trying to promote himself as a "guy who asks the tough questions." Those of you who read this space regularly know I am no fan of Pete Rose. But Gray's ambush that night was misplaced and cowardly. Which is why his evolution into a "Rashad" is probably the most nauseating of all.
Kobe Bryant is a young man who thrust himelf into the spotlight far before he was ready to be there. For as amazing as his basketball talents are, his reputation for dealing with people is amazingly bad. Between his ongoing feud with Shaquille O'Neal, his rape trial, and Phil Jackson's book, his squeaky clean image has been flushed down the toilet. Yet for some strange reason, the same reporter who tried to create a tough guy reputation at a vulnerable flawed man's expense during what may have been his last moment of glory, now acts as Kobe's public lap dog. And when you break it down and think about it, its perfect kharma. Gray's reputation as a credible reporter goes up in smoke for a guy who's made himself publicly irrelevant.
Which brings us back to Michael Irvin, who by comparison is not so bad. You can at least understand that access to and defense of TO could keep Mike working another year. Because when he needs to count on skills as a football analyst, its all over.
While I'm on the topic of ESPN's football coverage, are there any worse people to listen to talk about football than their Sunday night crew, Mike Patrick, Joe Theismann, and Paul Maguire. Patrick hollers all the time and every play he calls gets trivialized by yet another superlative. Theismann only wants to discuss who he talked to yesterday and carries way too much ego for a guy who wasn't that good and isn't that cool. Joe, no one cares that you were once married to the blonde chick from "That's Incredible." And Paul Maguire should be watching these games from his couch drinking a Schlitz beer. He tries to have strong opinions, but they're always on calls that are totally wrong. And Theismann preens like a peacock when he's right and Maguire's wrong. Joe could find a better argument at his local nursing home.
Speaking of Theismann, whats the over/under on games it takes Al Michaels to approach ESPN next year and issue a him or me ultimatum about Theismann. I set the number at 6 1/2 games and I'm taking the under. The last analyst AL had who was as bad as Theismann was Frank Gifford. That last year they worked together, Al had such an attitude with Giff, that you thought that Dierdorf had to pull Al's hands off of Giff's wrinkled neck during the commercial breaks. Al even had a tough time with Boomer who isn't the best, but he's not bad either. But Theismann makes Boomer look like John Madden in his prime. Speaking of Madden, how's that for a trade for Al. Losing Madden and adding the lovechild of Forrest Gump and Fabian. By game 5, AL will have thrown Theismann down a flight of steps, screaming, "do you believe in miracles???"
So I just recently renovated my house. I installed new toilets in all of the bathrooms, and I went to extra expense to make sure that I had the best toilets money could buy. Around three weeks ago, I was taking one of my Saturday morning monster dumps. (Friday's always a big eating night) And even though I have these expensive toilets, I always keep a plunger handy. As you can probably guess, I clogged the toilet and the plunger didn't work. So being the lazy ass that I am, I called the plumber. To his credit he shows up within a half hour and gives me a tutorial on how to not clog up the toilet. And he seems like a really nice guy. Then as he finishes within 10 minutes, I ask him the dreaded question, "what do I owe you?" He hands me an invoice for $205.43. I couldn't help myself. I look at him and ask him incredulously, Do you mean I just took a 200 dollar dump? And this ripoff artist, who's currently billing out at $1200 an hour, deosn't seem to find the humor in it as I hand him a check for $205.43.
The ironic part of the whole thing, I clogged it up again. This time I borrowed my brother's snake and took care of it muself. I figured if the overly friendly plumber with the bad sense of humor can bill out at $1200 an hour, maybe its something I should learn.
Wednesday, November 16, 2005
Everyone and their mother has an opinion on this embarrassing Terrell Owens fiasco. but very frankkly, I'm sick and tired of hearing and reading about it, so I'll be damned if I'm going to sit here and write about it.
I must confess that Monday Night Football has always been a guilty pleasure of mine. There's something about the music, Al Michaels, the last game of the week feeling, and the Cosell aura that reels me in. A few years back, ESPN took it to a new level with an MNF pregame show called Monday Night Countdown. The show starts at 7:30, and although I tried to tune in and watch it, it never held me becauae 90 minutes is just too goddamned long a pregame show for one regular season game. I no longer beleive that. And I don't watch Monday Night Countdown anymore. I hustle to get the kids to sleep to watch a 2 hour show on the NFL network called NFL Total Access.
When Stu Scott began doing Sportscenters at ESPN, his frequent partner was Rich Eisen. I always found them both entertaining and somewhat funny. Scott was the style. Eisen was the substance. So its somewhat ironic that they both host Monday night pregame shows on competing networks. As time has gone on, Scott's act has gone stale. The last time I heard him shout Boo-Yah, I almost threw an Amstel Light bottle through my television. ( I didn't want to waste the beer.) And the first time I heard him say, "cooler than the other side of the pillow", I thought it was hysterical. The 46, 879th time I heard him say it, I wished I was watching the Gong Show, so Charles Nelson Reilly could get rid of him. Then, when you add in the babbling, ranting fool known as Michael Irvin and master of the obvious Tom Jackson, you get truly unwatchable television, even for an NFL dork such as myself. The only redeeming factors are Ron Jaworski and Chris Mortensen. Jaws is the best x's and o's guy in the business. He's forgotten more about football than the rest of these blohards know. Its too bad he resembles Shrek when he smiles. Mort is always well informed, but I feel like we get very similar insight from Total Access' Adam Shefter.
The two analysts that make Total Access tick are Terrell Davis and Emmitt Smith. Granted, Davis is not the most dynamic studio guy, but he always brings an intelligent player perspective and he serves as a constant reminder of the pride that classy, great players bring to the profession. ( Barry Sanders and Curtis Martin serve as two other examples.) And Emmitt should have his own talk show. He understands the game, the locker room, and the business and the way the three overlap. I've heard him take dead accurate viewpoints this year on how Brett Favre was out of line commenting on Javon Walker's holdout and about what morons Jeremiah Trotter and Kevin Mathis were for throwing punches at each other with helmets on before the first Monday night game this year. He's not afraid to offend anyone, but all of his criticism is purposeful. You may not agree with everything he says, but when Emmitt says it, we know he means it. And that is much more entertaining than his old Cowboy teammate. The Playmaker has his nose so far up TO's ass, that part of Irvin's moustache is hair from TO's rectum.
Total Access also gives you guys like Sterling Sharpe, Butch Davis, and Jim Mora. Sharpe takes a lot of criticsm, but no one on TV gives you more insight into what it takes to play receiver in the NFL. Butch Davis sounds like Champ Kind, the sportscaster in Anchorman, but he's not afraid to let you know when he thinks a guy is dogging it. And if you saw Davis' last two Browns' teams, you know he's an expert on guys dogging it. As a head coach in the league, Jim Mora authored some of the all time great press conferences, like his "Playoffs" rant from 5 years ago. He's not always politically correct and earlier this week, I heard him say to Rich Eisen that he would disown his son if he ever endorsed bringing TO to Atlanta. The best I'm getting on Countdown is Irvin and Jackson screaming "Jacked-Up" at one another while Stu Scott winks at them with his good eye.
There have been a lot of rampant rumors in NFL circles that Dick Vermeil is planning to retire from the Kansas City Chiefs at the end of this season. The hot name attached to this potential opening is current New York Jets head coach Herman Edwards. I guess if Kansas City GM Carl Peterson is looking for a coach who will butcher the clock and blame his assistants for his own failings, he found his guy. But I digress.
Edwards vehemently denied the rumors as we would all expect him to do. But the message he was sending told a different story. Edwards was asked why with 7 minutes left in this past week's blowout loss to the Carolina Panthers, he had his quarterback handing the ball off and running down the clock. Keep in mind, the score at the time was 23-3. Herm's answer was that his players looked shellsocked and their body language showed him like that had enough. So, in other words, his players quit and Edwards let them.
Back when PJ Carlesimo was coaching the Portland Trailblazers, I remember watching him coach a regular season game when he kept his players trapping and fouling right until the buzzer, even though they were down 8 points with 10 seconds left. After the game a reporter asked him why he kept fouling when the game was out of reach. He answered that if he kept them focused to the buzzer in games that were out of reach, it taught them to stay focused to the buzzer on games that were in reach. This past Sunday, Herm stopped teaching the Jets. He let them quit, because at the end of the season he's going to. Stick a fork in him. He's done.
Living in the New York Metropolitan area, I've come to develop an appreciation of the passion of the world famous New York media. Yet, as time goes on, the passion towards negative reporting has become overwhelming. This fall, recently suffering New York Ranger and Knick fans are both enjoying renaissances. The Rangers are in first place in their division with the best player in the sport in Jaromir Jagr. Yet, when you read the local papers, it seems like no one cares. When the Rangers stunk, local reporters had a blast beating up Glen Sather, Eric Lindros, Alexei Kovalev, and every coach the Rangers have had since Mike Keenan. Now that they're good, the tone of the writing wreaks of indifference. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate non-biased journalism more than most. But if you bash aggressively, you need to dole out credit with the same enthusiasm to maintain journalistic credibility.
The Knick renaissance is more like a light at the end of the tunnel. The presence of Larry Brown brings hope for the future. But the current fortunes of the Knicks rest squarely on the ability of Stephon Marbury and Brown to coexist productively. Most Knick followers expect this player coach/relationship to fail miserably. Nonetheless, it qualified as big news when Marbury had trouble in the first 5 games of the year grasping Brown's style of play as the Knicks limped to an 0-5 start. However, in the last two, the Knicks have won in back to back nights on the West Coast, and Marbury has played more the way Larry wants him to. The tone that comes from the beat writers is almost one of disappointment. Now, I really don't think the Brown/Marbury relationship is going to work either. But as a Knick fan, I'm hoping it is. I also think that I'm a little different than most New Yorkers in that I don't mind being wrong. Our local experts all predicted misery for the Rangers and the Knicks. And if there's one thing New Yorkers hate, its being wrong.
I must confess that Monday Night Football has always been a guilty pleasure of mine. There's something about the music, Al Michaels, the last game of the week feeling, and the Cosell aura that reels me in. A few years back, ESPN took it to a new level with an MNF pregame show called Monday Night Countdown. The show starts at 7:30, and although I tried to tune in and watch it, it never held me becauae 90 minutes is just too goddamned long a pregame show for one regular season game. I no longer beleive that. And I don't watch Monday Night Countdown anymore. I hustle to get the kids to sleep to watch a 2 hour show on the NFL network called NFL Total Access.
When Stu Scott began doing Sportscenters at ESPN, his frequent partner was Rich Eisen. I always found them both entertaining and somewhat funny. Scott was the style. Eisen was the substance. So its somewhat ironic that they both host Monday night pregame shows on competing networks. As time has gone on, Scott's act has gone stale. The last time I heard him shout Boo-Yah, I almost threw an Amstel Light bottle through my television. ( I didn't want to waste the beer.) And the first time I heard him say, "cooler than the other side of the pillow", I thought it was hysterical. The 46, 879th time I heard him say it, I wished I was watching the Gong Show, so Charles Nelson Reilly could get rid of him. Then, when you add in the babbling, ranting fool known as Michael Irvin and master of the obvious Tom Jackson, you get truly unwatchable television, even for an NFL dork such as myself. The only redeeming factors are Ron Jaworski and Chris Mortensen. Jaws is the best x's and o's guy in the business. He's forgotten more about football than the rest of these blohards know. Its too bad he resembles Shrek when he smiles. Mort is always well informed, but I feel like we get very similar insight from Total Access' Adam Shefter.
The two analysts that make Total Access tick are Terrell Davis and Emmitt Smith. Granted, Davis is not the most dynamic studio guy, but he always brings an intelligent player perspective and he serves as a constant reminder of the pride that classy, great players bring to the profession. ( Barry Sanders and Curtis Martin serve as two other examples.) And Emmitt should have his own talk show. He understands the game, the locker room, and the business and the way the three overlap. I've heard him take dead accurate viewpoints this year on how Brett Favre was out of line commenting on Javon Walker's holdout and about what morons Jeremiah Trotter and Kevin Mathis were for throwing punches at each other with helmets on before the first Monday night game this year. He's not afraid to offend anyone, but all of his criticism is purposeful. You may not agree with everything he says, but when Emmitt says it, we know he means it. And that is much more entertaining than his old Cowboy teammate. The Playmaker has his nose so far up TO's ass, that part of Irvin's moustache is hair from TO's rectum.
Total Access also gives you guys like Sterling Sharpe, Butch Davis, and Jim Mora. Sharpe takes a lot of criticsm, but no one on TV gives you more insight into what it takes to play receiver in the NFL. Butch Davis sounds like Champ Kind, the sportscaster in Anchorman, but he's not afraid to let you know when he thinks a guy is dogging it. And if you saw Davis' last two Browns' teams, you know he's an expert on guys dogging it. As a head coach in the league, Jim Mora authored some of the all time great press conferences, like his "Playoffs" rant from 5 years ago. He's not always politically correct and earlier this week, I heard him say to Rich Eisen that he would disown his son if he ever endorsed bringing TO to Atlanta. The best I'm getting on Countdown is Irvin and Jackson screaming "Jacked-Up" at one another while Stu Scott winks at them with his good eye.
There have been a lot of rampant rumors in NFL circles that Dick Vermeil is planning to retire from the Kansas City Chiefs at the end of this season. The hot name attached to this potential opening is current New York Jets head coach Herman Edwards. I guess if Kansas City GM Carl Peterson is looking for a coach who will butcher the clock and blame his assistants for his own failings, he found his guy. But I digress.
Edwards vehemently denied the rumors as we would all expect him to do. But the message he was sending told a different story. Edwards was asked why with 7 minutes left in this past week's blowout loss to the Carolina Panthers, he had his quarterback handing the ball off and running down the clock. Keep in mind, the score at the time was 23-3. Herm's answer was that his players looked shellsocked and their body language showed him like that had enough. So, in other words, his players quit and Edwards let them.
Back when PJ Carlesimo was coaching the Portland Trailblazers, I remember watching him coach a regular season game when he kept his players trapping and fouling right until the buzzer, even though they were down 8 points with 10 seconds left. After the game a reporter asked him why he kept fouling when the game was out of reach. He answered that if he kept them focused to the buzzer in games that were out of reach, it taught them to stay focused to the buzzer on games that were in reach. This past Sunday, Herm stopped teaching the Jets. He let them quit, because at the end of the season he's going to. Stick a fork in him. He's done.
Living in the New York Metropolitan area, I've come to develop an appreciation of the passion of the world famous New York media. Yet, as time goes on, the passion towards negative reporting has become overwhelming. This fall, recently suffering New York Ranger and Knick fans are both enjoying renaissances. The Rangers are in first place in their division with the best player in the sport in Jaromir Jagr. Yet, when you read the local papers, it seems like no one cares. When the Rangers stunk, local reporters had a blast beating up Glen Sather, Eric Lindros, Alexei Kovalev, and every coach the Rangers have had since Mike Keenan. Now that they're good, the tone of the writing wreaks of indifference. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate non-biased journalism more than most. But if you bash aggressively, you need to dole out credit with the same enthusiasm to maintain journalistic credibility.
The Knick renaissance is more like a light at the end of the tunnel. The presence of Larry Brown brings hope for the future. But the current fortunes of the Knicks rest squarely on the ability of Stephon Marbury and Brown to coexist productively. Most Knick followers expect this player coach/relationship to fail miserably. Nonetheless, it qualified as big news when Marbury had trouble in the first 5 games of the year grasping Brown's style of play as the Knicks limped to an 0-5 start. However, in the last two, the Knicks have won in back to back nights on the West Coast, and Marbury has played more the way Larry wants him to. The tone that comes from the beat writers is almost one of disappointment. Now, I really don't think the Brown/Marbury relationship is going to work either. But as a Knick fan, I'm hoping it is. I also think that I'm a little different than most New Yorkers in that I don't mind being wrong. Our local experts all predicted misery for the Rangers and the Knicks. And if there's one thing New Yorkers hate, its being wrong.
Monday, November 07, 2005
Back in the late 70's, New York Yankee reliever Sparky Lyle wrote a book titled, "The Bronx Zoo" about the soap opera atmosphere surrounding the Yankees organization. But after the events of the past week, the Yankees' environment is downright normal compared to that of the Boston Red Sox.
As I'm sure most of you know, Red Sox general manager Theo Epstein resigned on Monday after reportedly agreeing to a contract extension. This came as a surprise to many because Epstein grew up in the Boston area as a lifelong Red Sox fan, attended Harvard in nearby Cambridge, Massachusetts, and was responsible for assembling the team that won the Red Sox' first World Series in 86 years. But there were other forces at work here that I find somewhat amazing.
The center of this whole Epstein storm revolved around a column that was written in this past Sunday's Boston Globe by long time Globe columnist Dan Shaughnessy. If you did not see the article, here's the link. http://www.boston.com/sports/baseball/redsox/articles/2005/10/30/lets_iron_out_some_of_this_dirty_laundry//
In a nutshell, the column essentially paints Epstein as Red Sox president and minority owner Larry Lucchino's lackey and discredits much of Epstein's baseball acumen. It is widely known throughout Red Sox nation that Lucchino and Epstein had beeen at odds for quite a while. And that leads us to what makes this article so downright disturbing.
The company that owns the Boston Globe owns a 17% interest in the Boston Red Sox. And after last year's championship season Shaughnessy was given full access to the Red Sox and their front office to write his book about this championship season. And its certainly no secret that one of Shaughnessy's essential functions is to serve as Lucchino's mouthpiece. The outrageous part is that Lucchino would feel the need to discredit a general manager with whom he just agreed to a contract extension. And what kind of columnist lowers himself to patronize this nonsense. This massive conflict of interests has soiled the entire media community in Boston. The Patriots complain that they've won 3 out 4 Super Bowls, but they're covered 1/3 of the amount of the Red Sox. The Boston Herald complains that they're given a paltry amount of media access to the Red Sox. Yet, Shaughnessy, Lucchino and the Globe exhibit no shame. Its one thing to provide preferential access to a particular media outlet or to report in a biased fashion slanted towards a certain franchise. But how can this newspaper expect to maintain a shred of journalistic credibility when they use valuable editorial space to indulge the insecurities of a bitter executive who happens to be a minority partner of a business interest owned by the paper's parent company.
Now I hate to sound like a typical New York sports fan, but this truly would never happen in New York. The best example is the New York Post. The Post is the most sensational of the legendary New York tabloid newspapers. The Post is owned by News Corp. News Corp also happens to be the parent company of the Fox television network. The Post employs a columnist named Phil Mushnick who specializes in critquing broadcasting. Mushnick routinely bashes Fox' television sports coverage. Its quite obvious that no one from News Corp is censoring him. This level of journalistic integrity comes from the New York paper that historically carries the least amount of credibilty. This situation in Boston is an unfathomable injustice to the sports fans of New England.
The above reference to New York makes a nice segue into the second thing I want to discuss today. Earlier this week, the New York Daily News reported that the Yankees had warned Alex Rodriguez to stay out of Poker clubs in Manhattan. Evidently, A-Rod was seen at a Manhattan poker club with Phil Hellmuth, the most famous poker player in the world. A-Rod's agent Scott Boras denied that he was warned, but the damage was already done.
These poker clubs are illegal operations if the proprietors are profiting from the tables, which is by and large the norm. So any kind of media attention is negative attention for these places. After this week's Daily News story, most clubs in the city closed their doors. My best friend was a weekly tournament player at one of these locations which is now shut down. The convenience of his weekly recreation no longer exists.
Please understand that I don't make a habit of condoning illegal activity, and I do recognize that poker can be a dangerous form of gambling, but for a responsible adult who risks a small amount of money relative to that individual's financial situation, its a highly enjoyable form of leisure. So obviously with that said, I am not judging A-Rod for his desire to play poker.
Alex Rodriguez has a reputation in baseball circles for being an unlikeable guy. His detractors call him things like arrogant, pompous, and a guy who "tries too hard." Personally, I've never been a big fan. Its nothing I can pinpoint, but his demeanor just rubs me the wrong way. And I would definitely dislike him just the same if he wasn't on the Yankees. So keep that in mind when I tell you that incidents like these contribute to what I believe is a well earned reputation.
Is A-Rod going to one of these places to play poker or garner attention?? I believe the answer is obvious, because if he just wanted to play poker, why walk in with one of the most famous poker players in the world. He's obviously so selfish that he never considered the consequences of his actions to others. If A-Rod wanted to play poker with Phil Hellmuth, why not do it where its legal. He's got Foxwoods two hours north and Atlantic City two hours south. If he wanted to play with Hellmuth with no attention, one of these casinos would furnish him with a private game in a private room. If he wanted a tournament, they'd make him a tournament. If he wanted security, they 'd give him security up the yingyang. Heck, if he wanted a private helicopter, he'd get that also. This whole situation exhibited a gross lack of concern for anyone but himself. It was the move of an arrogant, pompous attention hog. Come to think of it, isn't that what people say about him.......
In attending this past Thursday night Rangers-Devils game on Thursday, I was engaged in a very interesting mental debate. You see, a woman sat in the seat next to me wearing perfume that smelled like a skunk urinated in a vase containing six month old rotted flowers. It was one of those odors that made you gag every other breath. And very frankly, it hampered my enjoyment of the game. Then, on the way home, one of my buddies in the car let one rip like I've never smelled before in my life. It was like a ground hog died in his rear end. This caused me to ponder, which odor was worse?
After careful deliberation, I think my answer will surprise you. You see, as bad as the fart is, being in a car on the highway gives me the abiltiy to air the car out rather quickly. You don' get more than a few breaths of the odor before you start evacuating it. That stinking perfume stays with you all night. And after about 45 minutes straight of smelling it, the odor sticks in your nose long after the smelly broad gets up and leaves.
As I'm sure most of you know, Red Sox general manager Theo Epstein resigned on Monday after reportedly agreeing to a contract extension. This came as a surprise to many because Epstein grew up in the Boston area as a lifelong Red Sox fan, attended Harvard in nearby Cambridge, Massachusetts, and was responsible for assembling the team that won the Red Sox' first World Series in 86 years. But there were other forces at work here that I find somewhat amazing.
The center of this whole Epstein storm revolved around a column that was written in this past Sunday's Boston Globe by long time Globe columnist Dan Shaughnessy. If you did not see the article, here's the link. http://www.boston.com/sports/baseball/redsox/articles/2005/10/30/lets_iron_out_some_of_this_dirty_laundry//
In a nutshell, the column essentially paints Epstein as Red Sox president and minority owner Larry Lucchino's lackey and discredits much of Epstein's baseball acumen. It is widely known throughout Red Sox nation that Lucchino and Epstein had beeen at odds for quite a while. And that leads us to what makes this article so downright disturbing.
The company that owns the Boston Globe owns a 17% interest in the Boston Red Sox. And after last year's championship season Shaughnessy was given full access to the Red Sox and their front office to write his book about this championship season. And its certainly no secret that one of Shaughnessy's essential functions is to serve as Lucchino's mouthpiece. The outrageous part is that Lucchino would feel the need to discredit a general manager with whom he just agreed to a contract extension. And what kind of columnist lowers himself to patronize this nonsense. This massive conflict of interests has soiled the entire media community in Boston. The Patriots complain that they've won 3 out 4 Super Bowls, but they're covered 1/3 of the amount of the Red Sox. The Boston Herald complains that they're given a paltry amount of media access to the Red Sox. Yet, Shaughnessy, Lucchino and the Globe exhibit no shame. Its one thing to provide preferential access to a particular media outlet or to report in a biased fashion slanted towards a certain franchise. But how can this newspaper expect to maintain a shred of journalistic credibility when they use valuable editorial space to indulge the insecurities of a bitter executive who happens to be a minority partner of a business interest owned by the paper's parent company.
Now I hate to sound like a typical New York sports fan, but this truly would never happen in New York. The best example is the New York Post. The Post is the most sensational of the legendary New York tabloid newspapers. The Post is owned by News Corp. News Corp also happens to be the parent company of the Fox television network. The Post employs a columnist named Phil Mushnick who specializes in critquing broadcasting. Mushnick routinely bashes Fox' television sports coverage. Its quite obvious that no one from News Corp is censoring him. This level of journalistic integrity comes from the New York paper that historically carries the least amount of credibilty. This situation in Boston is an unfathomable injustice to the sports fans of New England.
The above reference to New York makes a nice segue into the second thing I want to discuss today. Earlier this week, the New York Daily News reported that the Yankees had warned Alex Rodriguez to stay out of Poker clubs in Manhattan. Evidently, A-Rod was seen at a Manhattan poker club with Phil Hellmuth, the most famous poker player in the world. A-Rod's agent Scott Boras denied that he was warned, but the damage was already done.
These poker clubs are illegal operations if the proprietors are profiting from the tables, which is by and large the norm. So any kind of media attention is negative attention for these places. After this week's Daily News story, most clubs in the city closed their doors. My best friend was a weekly tournament player at one of these locations which is now shut down. The convenience of his weekly recreation no longer exists.
Please understand that I don't make a habit of condoning illegal activity, and I do recognize that poker can be a dangerous form of gambling, but for a responsible adult who risks a small amount of money relative to that individual's financial situation, its a highly enjoyable form of leisure. So obviously with that said, I am not judging A-Rod for his desire to play poker.
Alex Rodriguez has a reputation in baseball circles for being an unlikeable guy. His detractors call him things like arrogant, pompous, and a guy who "tries too hard." Personally, I've never been a big fan. Its nothing I can pinpoint, but his demeanor just rubs me the wrong way. And I would definitely dislike him just the same if he wasn't on the Yankees. So keep that in mind when I tell you that incidents like these contribute to what I believe is a well earned reputation.
Is A-Rod going to one of these places to play poker or garner attention?? I believe the answer is obvious, because if he just wanted to play poker, why walk in with one of the most famous poker players in the world. He's obviously so selfish that he never considered the consequences of his actions to others. If A-Rod wanted to play poker with Phil Hellmuth, why not do it where its legal. He's got Foxwoods two hours north and Atlantic City two hours south. If he wanted to play with Hellmuth with no attention, one of these casinos would furnish him with a private game in a private room. If he wanted a tournament, they'd make him a tournament. If he wanted security, they 'd give him security up the yingyang. Heck, if he wanted a private helicopter, he'd get that also. This whole situation exhibited a gross lack of concern for anyone but himself. It was the move of an arrogant, pompous attention hog. Come to think of it, isn't that what people say about him.......
In attending this past Thursday night Rangers-Devils game on Thursday, I was engaged in a very interesting mental debate. You see, a woman sat in the seat next to me wearing perfume that smelled like a skunk urinated in a vase containing six month old rotted flowers. It was one of those odors that made you gag every other breath. And very frankly, it hampered my enjoyment of the game. Then, on the way home, one of my buddies in the car let one rip like I've never smelled before in my life. It was like a ground hog died in his rear end. This caused me to ponder, which odor was worse?
After careful deliberation, I think my answer will surprise you. You see, as bad as the fart is, being in a car on the highway gives me the abiltiy to air the car out rather quickly. You don' get more than a few breaths of the odor before you start evacuating it. That stinking perfume stays with you all night. And after about 45 minutes straight of smelling it, the odor sticks in your nose long after the smelly broad gets up and leaves.
Wednesday, November 02, 2005
A few NFL thoughts for a fall Tuesday evening.
Being the diehard Giant fan that I am, I possess almost an unnatural admiration of Bill Parcells as a football coach. Out of the 3 greatest game coaching jobs I've seen in all of my years of watching pro football, Parcells authored two of them. (both in the same year -91 Championship game + 91 Super Bowl and Belichick authored the other one- 2001 Super Bowl). I have great respect for the job he did resurrecting the Jets organization. And I can listen to this guy talk football forever. Which makes it so hard to point out what I'm observing from him this season. He's lost something off of his proverbial fastball.
Over the years, Bill has lost his temper plenty. But you always got the impression on the sidelines that it was a controlled, strategic rage. Not two weeks ago in Seattle. He literally threw a punch on the sidelines at his receivers coach Todd Haley. I hate to say this, but it wasn't much different than what got Buddy Ryan run out of football. The Parcells I grew to love never would have lost control like that on the sidelines.
But its not only his temper. He's making football decisions I've never seen him make before. A few weeks back against the Giants, The Cowboys recovered a fumble at their 1 yard line with 1:26 left in the game. The Giants had 2 timeouts left. The Cowboys ran on 1st and 2nd down into the line for no gain. After each play, the Giants used a timeout. On 3rd down, with the Giants having no timeouts, Bill called a pass play and Bledsoe was forced to throw it away. With 1:12 left on the clock Parcells pissed away a chance to run 40 seconds off the clock with a 7 point lead. Its not like that 40 seconds mattered when Shockey scored the game tying touchdown with 25 seconds on the clock. No one talked about this anywhere because Dallas won the game, but thats a mistake you see Mike Martz make, not Bill Parcells.
Then we have the next week in Seattle. The Cowboys get the ball at their own 41 with 33 seconds left. 1st down, Bledsoe hits Glenn for 6 yards. 2nd down is an incomplete pass with a 10 yard holding penalty on Dallas. Now its 2nd and 14 with 19 seconds left and Bledsoe hits Glenn for 7. So with 3rd and 7 from their own 44, Bledsoe throws a sideline pattern 13 yards down the field thats woefully underthrown and intercepted and run back to the Dallas 30. Now although you can't blame the coach for a badly thrown ball, whats the purpose of the pattern?? At most, you'll have time for 1 more play, and the pattern was only called to the Seattle 43. Even if the pass is completed, it does nothing for you. Its a play that carries all risk and no reward. You're too far for a field goal. So the best you're hoping for is risking a turnover to set up a Hail Mary. Parcells always prided himself on his teams being better and smarter late in games, but he's making mistakes himself that he never made in his career. With all that said, I still think Dallas is a playoff team, but these issues Parcells has had bear watching since he's got 4 games remaining against the other 3 great coaches in the NFC East.
Interesting thing happened this weekend in the Giants/Redskins game this past weekend. The Giants defense looked like the 85 Bears. The only problem is that the Giant defense is probably an average defense at best. They had their best game of the year because they knew all of the plays. This past offseason, the Giants added ex-Redskin QB Tim Hasselbeck and ex-Redskin middle linebacker Antonio Pierce. Hasselbeck is only in the league because of a superior mental approach. His physical tools are on the lower end of most NFL quarterbacks, but he's much smarter than the average bear. Pierce was the captain of that defense who made all of the defensive calls. It was extremely obvious that these two played an enormous role in preparing this football team on both sides of the ball. As I heard Daryl Johnston discuss it during the game on Sunday, I thought to myself why you don't hear more about this kind of thing and do general managers sometimes target players in free agency who played in their divisions for this reason. The tonight on the internet, I see the headline, "Palmer sings with Niners." Mike Nolan signed Jesse Palmer for this week's Giant game. He needs a quarterback and this guy gives his team a big time preparation edge. It's a very smart move by a coach who could be a future coaching star. Everyone connected to the league has the greatest things to say about this guy. Moves like this make me it easy to see. Keep in mind, Gruden won a Super Bowl because he knew all of the Raiders plays. Its an advantage that functions as a great equalizer.
So in an earlier post, I lamented cleaning up the dreaded accident in your child's pants. And thats pretty gross, but not as gross as cleaning the "NDZ". But you know whats worse than both. The playdate accident. When your kid has a playdate who dumps in his/her own pants. When its your own kid, you can deal with the smell and the cleanup a little easier. The smell is nothing new to you. But the smell of another kid's poop is a foreign smell that can put your nasal passages into toxic shock. And if its your own kid, if you don't feel like handling the soiled clothes, you can throw them out. We refer to this as "the cost of doing business". When its another kid, you've got to bag the clothes up and send them home with the kid. The sight of the bag normally is enough for your imagination to conjure up th horrific odor and each time you inadvertently look at the bag, you get nauseous all over again.
Being the diehard Giant fan that I am, I possess almost an unnatural admiration of Bill Parcells as a football coach. Out of the 3 greatest game coaching jobs I've seen in all of my years of watching pro football, Parcells authored two of them. (both in the same year -91 Championship game + 91 Super Bowl and Belichick authored the other one- 2001 Super Bowl). I have great respect for the job he did resurrecting the Jets organization. And I can listen to this guy talk football forever. Which makes it so hard to point out what I'm observing from him this season. He's lost something off of his proverbial fastball.
Over the years, Bill has lost his temper plenty. But you always got the impression on the sidelines that it was a controlled, strategic rage. Not two weeks ago in Seattle. He literally threw a punch on the sidelines at his receivers coach Todd Haley. I hate to say this, but it wasn't much different than what got Buddy Ryan run out of football. The Parcells I grew to love never would have lost control like that on the sidelines.
But its not only his temper. He's making football decisions I've never seen him make before. A few weeks back against the Giants, The Cowboys recovered a fumble at their 1 yard line with 1:26 left in the game. The Giants had 2 timeouts left. The Cowboys ran on 1st and 2nd down into the line for no gain. After each play, the Giants used a timeout. On 3rd down, with the Giants having no timeouts, Bill called a pass play and Bledsoe was forced to throw it away. With 1:12 left on the clock Parcells pissed away a chance to run 40 seconds off the clock with a 7 point lead. Its not like that 40 seconds mattered when Shockey scored the game tying touchdown with 25 seconds on the clock. No one talked about this anywhere because Dallas won the game, but thats a mistake you see Mike Martz make, not Bill Parcells.
Then we have the next week in Seattle. The Cowboys get the ball at their own 41 with 33 seconds left. 1st down, Bledsoe hits Glenn for 6 yards. 2nd down is an incomplete pass with a 10 yard holding penalty on Dallas. Now its 2nd and 14 with 19 seconds left and Bledsoe hits Glenn for 7. So with 3rd and 7 from their own 44, Bledsoe throws a sideline pattern 13 yards down the field thats woefully underthrown and intercepted and run back to the Dallas 30. Now although you can't blame the coach for a badly thrown ball, whats the purpose of the pattern?? At most, you'll have time for 1 more play, and the pattern was only called to the Seattle 43. Even if the pass is completed, it does nothing for you. Its a play that carries all risk and no reward. You're too far for a field goal. So the best you're hoping for is risking a turnover to set up a Hail Mary. Parcells always prided himself on his teams being better and smarter late in games, but he's making mistakes himself that he never made in his career. With all that said, I still think Dallas is a playoff team, but these issues Parcells has had bear watching since he's got 4 games remaining against the other 3 great coaches in the NFC East.
Interesting thing happened this weekend in the Giants/Redskins game this past weekend. The Giants defense looked like the 85 Bears. The only problem is that the Giant defense is probably an average defense at best. They had their best game of the year because they knew all of the plays. This past offseason, the Giants added ex-Redskin QB Tim Hasselbeck and ex-Redskin middle linebacker Antonio Pierce. Hasselbeck is only in the league because of a superior mental approach. His physical tools are on the lower end of most NFL quarterbacks, but he's much smarter than the average bear. Pierce was the captain of that defense who made all of the defensive calls. It was extremely obvious that these two played an enormous role in preparing this football team on both sides of the ball. As I heard Daryl Johnston discuss it during the game on Sunday, I thought to myself why you don't hear more about this kind of thing and do general managers sometimes target players in free agency who played in their divisions for this reason. The tonight on the internet, I see the headline, "Palmer sings with Niners." Mike Nolan signed Jesse Palmer for this week's Giant game. He needs a quarterback and this guy gives his team a big time preparation edge. It's a very smart move by a coach who could be a future coaching star. Everyone connected to the league has the greatest things to say about this guy. Moves like this make me it easy to see. Keep in mind, Gruden won a Super Bowl because he knew all of the Raiders plays. Its an advantage that functions as a great equalizer.
So in an earlier post, I lamented cleaning up the dreaded accident in your child's pants. And thats pretty gross, but not as gross as cleaning the "NDZ". But you know whats worse than both. The playdate accident. When your kid has a playdate who dumps in his/her own pants. When its your own kid, you can deal with the smell and the cleanup a little easier. The smell is nothing new to you. But the smell of another kid's poop is a foreign smell that can put your nasal passages into toxic shock. And if its your own kid, if you don't feel like handling the soiled clothes, you can throw them out. We refer to this as "the cost of doing business". When its another kid, you've got to bag the clothes up and send them home with the kid. The sight of the bag normally is enough for your imagination to conjure up th horrific odor and each time you inadvertently look at the bag, you get nauseous all over again.
Sunday, October 30, 2005
With the NBA season commencing next week, I figured it was a good time to share some thoughts about the upcoming season. Now, I certainly could sit here and bore you with the same nonsense everyone else is talking about (i.e. Phil Jackson selling his soul to his girlfriend by going back to coach the most disrespectful player he ever came in contact with, but I digress), but I'm keeping an eye on a few other things.
1) The Riley/Van Gundy situation in Miami. You gotta love Good Old Riles. When the team looks like their probably going to be in the lottery for the next 5 years, he'll move upstairs and be the team president. Then Stan squeezes water out of a rock two years ago and gets them to the 2nd round of the playoffs. It was one of the great coaching jobs I've seen in the NBA in a long time. Stan gets the most out of Lamar Odom, enabling Riley to use him as a chip for Shaq. The, last season, Stan coaches them within a whisker of defeating the defending NBA champions in a Game 7 of an Eastern Conference final. How does Riley repay him?? Make him spend the early part of the summer dealing with rumors that Riley is going to fire him and take over. Nice boss. Stan Van Gundy has been one of the three best coaches in the NBA for the last two seasons, yet because Riley needs another coaching ring to validate his massive ego, Stan enters the season with a very short leash. And the most ridiculous part of all is that if Riley can just keep his mouth shut and stay upstairs in the front office, he'll deservingly get a mountain of credit for building a championship team if this team wins it all.
2) Forgive me if I'm not feeling all the love everybody else is with the Isiah Thomas-Larry Brown marriage. Before I proceed, I must warn you that I am not a very big Isiah Thomas fan, but I give him credit for bringing in Brown because it took guts, especially since Brown is going to take his job. Remember, Isiah in less than two years has left a rash of mistakes in his wake. While many of his personnel moves are debatable, his bosses had to be less than enamored with his butchering of the Chaney firing/Fratello hiring. They also were probably not all that thrilled when he made pointed comments to the media pushing Dolan favorite Allan Houston to retire. Combine that with the enormous amount of money he's lit on fire, and its not a push to say that there is not a ton of slack left in his rope. Enter Larry Brown. Larry is a brilliant basketball mind, maybe the best. But he's an insatiable whiner and there's only one thing he hates more than losing... taking the blame. Now, I'm not all that sure how much money Isiah's making, but I bet is nowhere close to what Larry is making. And when this team folds like a cheap suit, and they will, Isiah has been set up perfectly to be the fall guy. If Isiah takes anything out of this Knick experience it will be to pick your friends better.
3) Its official. The balance of power has clearly shifted back to the Eastern conference. 4 out of the best 5 teams in the NBA are in the East. The Spurs are clearly the odds on favorite entering the season. The next four teams on my list are all in the East. They are, Detroit, Miami, Indiana, and New Jersey. If you look at the 2nd best team in the West, your candidates are Houston, Dallas, and Denver. I think New Jersey is much better than all 3 of those teams. Remember, the Nets won 15 out of their last 20 to end the season and that was without Richard Jefferson. They're deeper and bigger than last year. If their big 3 and Kristic all can stay healthy, I give them a legitimate chance to go to the Eastern Conference finals.
Most people I know are quite particular where they take a dump, and I'm no different. I actually have designated certain areas "NDZs". An NDZ is a "No Doody Zone". This whole concept originated one night at a Nets/Lakers game after eating some bad dressing in a seafood salad. Lets just say that I learned a very valuable lesson about the less than sanitary conditions in the Meadowlands arena's men's rooms. Fast forward to this past Friday night. I have my wife and two daughters at a Devils game. It was somewhat exciting, being the kids first ever live sporting event. In the middle of the second period, my 4 year old asks me to take her to the bathroom. No problem, lets go. Half way up to the bathroom, she casually mentions that she has to make a doody. Panic sets in. I don't want her doodying (is that a word?) in an NDZ, but I also don't want her to be one of these kids who's uptight about taking a dump. So, I just smile and say nothing, realizing that I'm about to embark on one of the grossest ventures of my entire life. We get to the bathroom stall and I tell my daughter to stand with her back to the bathroom stall and touch nothing to "give Daddy a chance to set up." I proceed to clean the amalgum of urine spewed from each drunk Devils fan who graced that porcelain that evening. It would have been nasty with an industrial sponge and rubber gloves, but with some toilet paper and my hand, it was absolutely revolting. I started the evening being grossed out by the NDZ and finished the evening CLEANING the NDZ. And I smiled the whole way through it. In a sick, twisted way, I'm proud of that.
1) The Riley/Van Gundy situation in Miami. You gotta love Good Old Riles. When the team looks like their probably going to be in the lottery for the next 5 years, he'll move upstairs and be the team president. Then Stan squeezes water out of a rock two years ago and gets them to the 2nd round of the playoffs. It was one of the great coaching jobs I've seen in the NBA in a long time. Stan gets the most out of Lamar Odom, enabling Riley to use him as a chip for Shaq. The, last season, Stan coaches them within a whisker of defeating the defending NBA champions in a Game 7 of an Eastern Conference final. How does Riley repay him?? Make him spend the early part of the summer dealing with rumors that Riley is going to fire him and take over. Nice boss. Stan Van Gundy has been one of the three best coaches in the NBA for the last two seasons, yet because Riley needs another coaching ring to validate his massive ego, Stan enters the season with a very short leash. And the most ridiculous part of all is that if Riley can just keep his mouth shut and stay upstairs in the front office, he'll deservingly get a mountain of credit for building a championship team if this team wins it all.
2) Forgive me if I'm not feeling all the love everybody else is with the Isiah Thomas-Larry Brown marriage. Before I proceed, I must warn you that I am not a very big Isiah Thomas fan, but I give him credit for bringing in Brown because it took guts, especially since Brown is going to take his job. Remember, Isiah in less than two years has left a rash of mistakes in his wake. While many of his personnel moves are debatable, his bosses had to be less than enamored with his butchering of the Chaney firing/Fratello hiring. They also were probably not all that thrilled when he made pointed comments to the media pushing Dolan favorite Allan Houston to retire. Combine that with the enormous amount of money he's lit on fire, and its not a push to say that there is not a ton of slack left in his rope. Enter Larry Brown. Larry is a brilliant basketball mind, maybe the best. But he's an insatiable whiner and there's only one thing he hates more than losing... taking the blame. Now, I'm not all that sure how much money Isiah's making, but I bet is nowhere close to what Larry is making. And when this team folds like a cheap suit, and they will, Isiah has been set up perfectly to be the fall guy. If Isiah takes anything out of this Knick experience it will be to pick your friends better.
3) Its official. The balance of power has clearly shifted back to the Eastern conference. 4 out of the best 5 teams in the NBA are in the East. The Spurs are clearly the odds on favorite entering the season. The next four teams on my list are all in the East. They are, Detroit, Miami, Indiana, and New Jersey. If you look at the 2nd best team in the West, your candidates are Houston, Dallas, and Denver. I think New Jersey is much better than all 3 of those teams. Remember, the Nets won 15 out of their last 20 to end the season and that was without Richard Jefferson. They're deeper and bigger than last year. If their big 3 and Kristic all can stay healthy, I give them a legitimate chance to go to the Eastern Conference finals.
Most people I know are quite particular where they take a dump, and I'm no different. I actually have designated certain areas "NDZs". An NDZ is a "No Doody Zone". This whole concept originated one night at a Nets/Lakers game after eating some bad dressing in a seafood salad. Lets just say that I learned a very valuable lesson about the less than sanitary conditions in the Meadowlands arena's men's rooms. Fast forward to this past Friday night. I have my wife and two daughters at a Devils game. It was somewhat exciting, being the kids first ever live sporting event. In the middle of the second period, my 4 year old asks me to take her to the bathroom. No problem, lets go. Half way up to the bathroom, she casually mentions that she has to make a doody. Panic sets in. I don't want her doodying (is that a word?) in an NDZ, but I also don't want her to be one of these kids who's uptight about taking a dump. So, I just smile and say nothing, realizing that I'm about to embark on one of the grossest ventures of my entire life. We get to the bathroom stall and I tell my daughter to stand with her back to the bathroom stall and touch nothing to "give Daddy a chance to set up." I proceed to clean the amalgum of urine spewed from each drunk Devils fan who graced that porcelain that evening. It would have been nasty with an industrial sponge and rubber gloves, but with some toilet paper and my hand, it was absolutely revolting. I started the evening being grossed out by the NDZ and finished the evening CLEANING the NDZ. And I smiled the whole way through it. In a sick, twisted way, I'm proud of that.
Thursday, October 27, 2005
Much is made about everyone's favorite herpes carrier Michael Vick and his ability as an NFL quarterback. After watching him on Monday night, I know exactly where I fall on this argument. This guy stinks. He's Kordell Stewart on crystal meth. Sure he can run, but as soon as the Jets started staying in their lanes, I thought that Anthony Wright locked Vick ina bathroon stall at halftime and stole Vick's jersey. The reason he succeeds in the league is because ich McKay and Jim Mora have created the perfect storm for him. Good defense, best Offensive line coach in football, a double complementary running back threat, and a tight end who can catch it in the middle of the field. The fact is the older Vick gets, the more he gets beat up, the slower he'll get, therefore the less effective he'll be, because when it comes to throwing the football, he can't hit a bull in the ass with a bass fiddle.
And while I'm on the NFL, I'd like to take a moment to mention the passing of NY Giant owner Wellington Mara. As a diehard Giant fan, I'll never watch a Giant game without thinking about the dignity and pride he brought to being a Giant fan. He was truly, the anti-Steinbrenner. Giant fans have as much passion and knowlegde as Yankee fans, but we also bring class and humility. Thats a reflection on Mr. Mara. He leaves a legacy for all of us not only to enjoy, but to take pride in as well.
So I'm at this golf outing the other day, and its like 45 degrees and windy. My windbreaker isn't warm enough and the only consolation is that the other 3 guys I'm with are freezing also. As one of them comments that he has to piss, I am reminded of the worst fate of doing an outdoor cold weather activity for a prolonged period, the eventual urge to urinate. So I begin to explain this phenomenon which goes something like this. If you think you're cold now, wait until that cold hand meets that warm pecker and you'll get a chill that won't go away for 5 hours. Well, I din't realize what physical and emotional dmage I had inflicted. Evidently, one of the other guys in my foursome was gripped with all this urination talk, and he has to go too. But these guys are afraid to go because of the "Cold Hand Effect". One guy waits two holes, while continually rubbing his hands inside his pocket, waiting for the perfect teperature to begin draining the wheez. The other guy actaully wouldn't go in the woods, because he needed a sink to run hot water on his hand before taking a leak. And even though my commentary virtully gave these guys urinary tract infections they were gratefuk for my warning which I refused to heed on the 15th hole, as I routinely went to take a piss on a tree. The chill was still running through me the next morning.
And while I'm on the NFL, I'd like to take a moment to mention the passing of NY Giant owner Wellington Mara. As a diehard Giant fan, I'll never watch a Giant game without thinking about the dignity and pride he brought to being a Giant fan. He was truly, the anti-Steinbrenner. Giant fans have as much passion and knowlegde as Yankee fans, but we also bring class and humility. Thats a reflection on Mr. Mara. He leaves a legacy for all of us not only to enjoy, but to take pride in as well.
So I'm at this golf outing the other day, and its like 45 degrees and windy. My windbreaker isn't warm enough and the only consolation is that the other 3 guys I'm with are freezing also. As one of them comments that he has to piss, I am reminded of the worst fate of doing an outdoor cold weather activity for a prolonged period, the eventual urge to urinate. So I begin to explain this phenomenon which goes something like this. If you think you're cold now, wait until that cold hand meets that warm pecker and you'll get a chill that won't go away for 5 hours. Well, I din't realize what physical and emotional dmage I had inflicted. Evidently, one of the other guys in my foursome was gripped with all this urination talk, and he has to go too. But these guys are afraid to go because of the "Cold Hand Effect". One guy waits two holes, while continually rubbing his hands inside his pocket, waiting for the perfect teperature to begin draining the wheez. The other guy actaully wouldn't go in the woods, because he needed a sink to run hot water on his hand before taking a leak. And even though my commentary virtully gave these guys urinary tract infections they were gratefuk for my warning which I refused to heed on the 15th hole, as I routinely went to take a piss on a tree. The chill was still running through me the next morning.
Saturday, October 22, 2005
I watched something extremely interesting last night on HBO. Please understand that I'm not going to make a habit of critiquing journalism, but since I have a goddamned opinion on everything, it will happen occasionally. Bob Costas had a panel discussion with John McEnroe, Jim Palmer, and Pete Rose. What I found noteworthy was that Palmer, Costas, and McEnroe found every articulate, polite way to tell Rose that he was a degenerate piece of human filth, yet Rose sat back and took it, because they all beleived that he should be in the Hall of Fame. Frankly, I could care less if he's in the Hall of Fame or not, but to watch him get abused in a fashion that was beyond his intellectual capacity was enjoyable. The guy's a moron and I hope they keep him out of the hall of fame for a lot longer just to see him make a fool of himself on TV over and over again.
Also, on HBO last night was one of the all time great rants on Inside the NFL by Cris Carter. I will admit that I'm not a big fan of Cris Carter, but on this week's show, he was AWESOME. They did a piece on Bill Romonowski punching that Raider backup tight end during a practice two years ago, essentially ruining the guy's career. Romo's gross lack on contrition was disgusting, and his lack of candor was appalling, such as swearing he was not on steroids at the time. Think about it, the guy spent almost every waking moment in the NFL on some kind of steroid, but at the moment he illogically destroyed a man's career, he was clean. The hypocrisy was not lost on Carter. Who referred to him as a dirty player and a bad guy. He then admonished Costas, Marino, and Collinsworth for being objective in their language in referring to Romo. Then he declared Romo unworthy of their airtime and tabled the topic. It was entertaining and satisfying. Romo is an appalling human being, who cheated for years, treated people like garbage, and now is attempting to profit from being a social deviant. If you buy his book, you deserve to be punched like that poor Raider tight end and please never read my blog again.
So, have you ever walked into the bathroom at work and smelled one of those foul dumps. Now, as gross as that smell is, once you leave the bathroom, its easily forgotten, unless you put a face to the smell. I walk in the Mens room the other day, I catch a wiff of something that was probably doody, but could have easily been a dead animal. And as I'm washing my hands trying not to breath through my nose, a well like dco -worker emerges from the stall with a big hearty hello. My question is this. How do I look at this nice guy again without conjuring images of that horrendous odor?? Am I going to smell that every time I say hello to this guy? How long will it take for me to forget that odor?? Any feedback would be greatly appreciated.
Also, on HBO last night was one of the all time great rants on Inside the NFL by Cris Carter. I will admit that I'm not a big fan of Cris Carter, but on this week's show, he was AWESOME. They did a piece on Bill Romonowski punching that Raider backup tight end during a practice two years ago, essentially ruining the guy's career. Romo's gross lack on contrition was disgusting, and his lack of candor was appalling, such as swearing he was not on steroids at the time. Think about it, the guy spent almost every waking moment in the NFL on some kind of steroid, but at the moment he illogically destroyed a man's career, he was clean. The hypocrisy was not lost on Carter. Who referred to him as a dirty player and a bad guy. He then admonished Costas, Marino, and Collinsworth for being objective in their language in referring to Romo. Then he declared Romo unworthy of their airtime and tabled the topic. It was entertaining and satisfying. Romo is an appalling human being, who cheated for years, treated people like garbage, and now is attempting to profit from being a social deviant. If you buy his book, you deserve to be punched like that poor Raider tight end and please never read my blog again.
So, have you ever walked into the bathroom at work and smelled one of those foul dumps. Now, as gross as that smell is, once you leave the bathroom, its easily forgotten, unless you put a face to the smell. I walk in the Mens room the other day, I catch a wiff of something that was probably doody, but could have easily been a dead animal. And as I'm washing my hands trying not to breath through my nose, a well like dco -worker emerges from the stall with a big hearty hello. My question is this. How do I look at this nice guy again without conjuring images of that horrendous odor?? Am I going to smell that every time I say hello to this guy? How long will it take for me to forget that odor?? Any feedback would be greatly appreciated.
Wednesday, October 19, 2005
Welcome to my outlet. This is a place for me to express all of these bizarre bottled up opinions that I impart to only a select few. Many of these opinions will be sports related, however I do expound on other things like television, politics, and fatherhood. To give you a brief sample of some of the things I like to discuss:
The Minnesota Vikings- Fellas, importing hookers from the best strip club in the country sounds like a mighty fun bye week tradition, however in the words of Forrest Gump, stupid is as stupid does. Next time, I suggest hiring a prostitution consultant, like Michael Irvin. The Cowboys were smart enough to use their ample resources to rent a house to do this stuff. No one found out until the end of their Super Bowl run. Heck, Michael Keaton in Night Shift was more low key than the Vikings. Maybe this is partially why those Cowboys won 3 Super Bowls and these Vikings are embarrassing the city and the league, on and off the field.
David Stern and the NBA- What the heck are they doing?? 85% of the league's players are African American and he imposes a dress code that outlaws most every trendy clothing item that his players like to wear. Dave, you may want to clean up the image of your league, but the place to start is to keep players out of the stands beating on patrons and keep patrons from throwing beverages on your players. Stephen Jackson's bling and Allen Iverson's throwback jerseys are not keeping people from watching basketball. Next thing up, will be to make all bald coaches wear wigs. Could you just see Jeff Van Gundy wearing George Costanza'a hairpiece from that one episode of Seinfeld. High comedy.
Fatherhood- I'm at the stage with my 2 year old where she isn't potty trained yet, but she eats enough to make adult size dumps. And I've decided that its the worst diaper changing stage that fatherhood has to offer. Frankly, its like cleaning one of my own dumps, but smells worse. If I was cleaning my own dump, it wouldn't be as bad because we can all stand the smell of our own poop. Now granted, through DNA, the smell of my kids' dump has a resemblance to the odor of mine, so its not like cleaning a stranger's poop. But its no picnic. And it gets worse before it gets better. Because once potty training starts, you have accidents. Which means not only are you cleaning poop off your kid's butt, but you have to detach the clothes from the poop. With all that said, I love fatherhood, but that isn't as funny as talking about doody.
The Minnesota Vikings- Fellas, importing hookers from the best strip club in the country sounds like a mighty fun bye week tradition, however in the words of Forrest Gump, stupid is as stupid does. Next time, I suggest hiring a prostitution consultant, like Michael Irvin. The Cowboys were smart enough to use their ample resources to rent a house to do this stuff. No one found out until the end of their Super Bowl run. Heck, Michael Keaton in Night Shift was more low key than the Vikings. Maybe this is partially why those Cowboys won 3 Super Bowls and these Vikings are embarrassing the city and the league, on and off the field.
David Stern and the NBA- What the heck are they doing?? 85% of the league's players are African American and he imposes a dress code that outlaws most every trendy clothing item that his players like to wear. Dave, you may want to clean up the image of your league, but the place to start is to keep players out of the stands beating on patrons and keep patrons from throwing beverages on your players. Stephen Jackson's bling and Allen Iverson's throwback jerseys are not keeping people from watching basketball. Next thing up, will be to make all bald coaches wear wigs. Could you just see Jeff Van Gundy wearing George Costanza'a hairpiece from that one episode of Seinfeld. High comedy.
Fatherhood- I'm at the stage with my 2 year old where she isn't potty trained yet, but she eats enough to make adult size dumps. And I've decided that its the worst diaper changing stage that fatherhood has to offer. Frankly, its like cleaning one of my own dumps, but smells worse. If I was cleaning my own dump, it wouldn't be as bad because we can all stand the smell of our own poop. Now granted, through DNA, the smell of my kids' dump has a resemblance to the odor of mine, so its not like cleaning a stranger's poop. But its no picnic. And it gets worse before it gets better. Because once potty training starts, you have accidents. Which means not only are you cleaning poop off your kid's butt, but you have to detach the clothes from the poop. With all that said, I love fatherhood, but that isn't as funny as talking about doody.
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