When I went back and read my last entry, I was drawn to that little snippet I had about Michael Irvin essentially wiping TO's backside. Firstly, it was written a little awkwardly and was probably funny only to me. But more than that, I thought about that whole rite of passage for select superstars where they have a particular interviewer who serves up the journalistic equivalent of batting practice.
This rite of passage was established by the greatest we'll ever see play basketball, Michael Jordan. Ahmad Rashad gave Jordan complete control over every interview they ever did. Jordan used Ahmad to craft his own public image and in exchange Ahmad got exclusive access. He served as Jordan's public security blanket. Jordan needed that if he wanted to keep selling sneakers. At the time I sort of begrudged Jordan for it, but in retrospect he probably needed it. His fame, greatness, eagerness to compete, and his love of gambling made him a target. His public image was too much of corporate asset to risk the wrong answer to the wrong question. But this trend now borders on ridiculous, mostly because you'll always find a reporter who will be someone's "Rashad".
Barry Bonds has, does, and always will despise the media. Evidently, when people starting discovering that baseball players were cheating and that Bonds didn't hit 73 homers using protein drinks and flaxseed oil, the media was to blame for writing it. But, yet with no endorsements to speak of (i.e no corporate image to protect), Bonds will grant special access to only Joe Morgan. I like Joe as a baseball analyst, but those interviews with Bonds are forced and uncomfortable. Morgan completely ignores the fact that this guy has a reputation of being one of the nastiest people on earth and is universally disliked in baseball circles. He lets Bonds put on an act, and he keeps getting long interviews. But Joe's not the only one.
Which brings me to the reporter who to me is the worst offender of being a "Rashad". In 1991, in a bar called Saints in Teaneck, New Jersey I ran into the New Jersey Nets coach at the time Chuck Daly. He was sitting at a table with a little known sideline reporter whose face I recognized, but whose name escaped me. My friend and I walked over to Daly and introduced ourselves. He was happy to meet us and actually acted interested in chatting a little basketball.
After about 2-3 minutes of conversation, in which Daly seemed to be enjoying, this twerp across the table scolds us to, "leave us the hell alone right now!" The following week I was watching an NCAA basketball game on CBS, and the sideline reporter was the guy sitting with Daly, Jim Gray.
The same Jim Gray, who during a celebration of the 50 greatest baseball players of all time at an All-Star game, brow beat Pete Rose for the sole reason of trying to promote himself as a "guy who asks the tough questions." Those of you who read this space regularly know I am no fan of Pete Rose. But Gray's ambush that night was misplaced and cowardly. Which is why his evolution into a "Rashad" is probably the most nauseating of all.
Kobe Bryant is a young man who thrust himelf into the spotlight far before he was ready to be there. For as amazing as his basketball talents are, his reputation for dealing with people is amazingly bad. Between his ongoing feud with Shaquille O'Neal, his rape trial, and Phil Jackson's book, his squeaky clean image has been flushed down the toilet. Yet for some strange reason, the same reporter who tried to create a tough guy reputation at a vulnerable flawed man's expense during what may have been his last moment of glory, now acts as Kobe's public lap dog. And when you break it down and think about it, its perfect kharma. Gray's reputation as a credible reporter goes up in smoke for a guy who's made himself publicly irrelevant.
Which brings us back to Michael Irvin, who by comparison is not so bad. You can at least understand that access to and defense of TO could keep Mike working another year. Because when he needs to count on skills as a football analyst, its all over.
While I'm on the topic of ESPN's football coverage, are there any worse people to listen to talk about football than their Sunday night crew, Mike Patrick, Joe Theismann, and Paul Maguire. Patrick hollers all the time and every play he calls gets trivialized by yet another superlative. Theismann only wants to discuss who he talked to yesterday and carries way too much ego for a guy who wasn't that good and isn't that cool. Joe, no one cares that you were once married to the blonde chick from "That's Incredible." And Paul Maguire should be watching these games from his couch drinking a Schlitz beer. He tries to have strong opinions, but they're always on calls that are totally wrong. And Theismann preens like a peacock when he's right and Maguire's wrong. Joe could find a better argument at his local nursing home.
Speaking of Theismann, whats the over/under on games it takes Al Michaels to approach ESPN next year and issue a him or me ultimatum about Theismann. I set the number at 6 1/2 games and I'm taking the under. The last analyst AL had who was as bad as Theismann was Frank Gifford. That last year they worked together, Al had such an attitude with Giff, that you thought that Dierdorf had to pull Al's hands off of Giff's wrinkled neck during the commercial breaks. Al even had a tough time with Boomer who isn't the best, but he's not bad either. But Theismann makes Boomer look like John Madden in his prime. Speaking of Madden, how's that for a trade for Al. Losing Madden and adding the lovechild of Forrest Gump and Fabian. By game 5, AL will have thrown Theismann down a flight of steps, screaming, "do you believe in miracles???"
So I just recently renovated my house. I installed new toilets in all of the bathrooms, and I went to extra expense to make sure that I had the best toilets money could buy. Around three weeks ago, I was taking one of my Saturday morning monster dumps. (Friday's always a big eating night) And even though I have these expensive toilets, I always keep a plunger handy. As you can probably guess, I clogged the toilet and the plunger didn't work. So being the lazy ass that I am, I called the plumber. To his credit he shows up within a half hour and gives me a tutorial on how to not clog up the toilet. And he seems like a really nice guy. Then as he finishes within 10 minutes, I ask him the dreaded question, "what do I owe you?" He hands me an invoice for $205.43. I couldn't help myself. I look at him and ask him incredulously, Do you mean I just took a 200 dollar dump? And this ripoff artist, who's currently billing out at $1200 an hour, deosn't seem to find the humor in it as I hand him a check for $205.43.
The ironic part of the whole thing, I clogged it up again. This time I borrowed my brother's snake and took care of it muself. I figured if the overly friendly plumber with the bad sense of humor can bill out at $1200 an hour, maybe its something I should learn.

Everyone and their mother has an opinion on this embarrassing Terrell Owens fiasco. but very frankkly, I'm sick and tired of hearing and reading about it, so I'll be damned if I'm going to sit here and write about it.
I must confess that Monday Night Football has always been a guilty pleasure of mine. There's something about the music, Al Michaels, the last game of the week feeling, and the Cosell aura that reels me in. A few years back, ESPN took it to a new level with an MNF pregame show called Monday Night Countdown. The show starts at 7:30, and although I tried to tune in and watch it, it never held me becauae 90 minutes is just too goddamned long a pregame show for one regular season game. I no longer beleive that. And I don't watch Monday Night Countdown anymore. I hustle to get the kids to sleep to watch a 2 hour show on the NFL network called NFL Total Access.
When Stu Scott began doing Sportscenters at ESPN, his frequent partner was Rich Eisen. I always found them both entertaining and somewhat funny. Scott was the style. Eisen was the substance. So its somewhat ironic that they both host Monday night pregame shows on competing networks. As time has gone on, Scott's act has gone stale. The last time I heard him shout Boo-Yah, I almost threw an Amstel Light bottle through my television. ( I didn't want to waste the beer.) And the first time I heard him say, "cooler than the other side of the pillow", I thought it was hysterical. The 46, 879th time I heard him say it, I wished I was watching the Gong Show, so Charles Nelson Reilly could get rid of him. Then, when you add in the babbling, ranting fool known as Michael Irvin and master of the obvious Tom Jackson, you get truly unwatchable television, even for an NFL dork such as myself. The only redeeming factors are Ron Jaworski and Chris Mortensen. Jaws is the best x's and o's guy in the business. He's forgotten more about football than the rest of these blohards know. Its too bad he resembles Shrek when he smiles. Mort is always well informed, but I feel like we get very similar insight from Total Access' Adam Shefter.
The two analysts that make Total Access tick are Terrell Davis and Emmitt Smith. Granted, Davis is not the most dynamic studio guy, but he always brings an intelligent player perspective and he serves as a constant reminder of the pride that classy, great players bring to the profession. ( Barry Sanders and Curtis Martin serve as two other examples.) And Emmitt should have his own talk show. He understands the game, the locker room, and the business and the way the three overlap. I've heard him take dead accurate viewpoints this year on how Brett Favre was out of line commenting on Javon Walker's holdout and about what morons Jeremiah Trotter and Kevin Mathis were for throwing punches at each other with helmets on before the first Monday night game this year. He's not afraid to offend anyone, but all of his criticism is purposeful. You may not agree with everything he says, but when Emmitt says it, we know he means it. And that is much more entertaining than his old Cowboy teammate. The Playmaker has his nose so far up TO's ass, that part of Irvin's moustache is hair from TO's rectum.
Total Access also gives you guys like Sterling Sharpe, Butch Davis, and Jim Mora. Sharpe takes a lot of criticsm, but no one on TV gives you more insight into what it takes to play receiver in the NFL. Butch Davis sounds like Champ Kind, the sportscaster in Anchorman, but he's not afraid to let you know when he thinks a guy is dogging it. And if you saw Davis' last two Browns' teams, you know he's an expert on guys dogging it. As a head coach in the league, Jim Mora authored some of the all time great press conferences, like his "Playoffs" rant from 5 years ago. He's not always politically correct and earlier this week, I heard him say to Rich Eisen that he would disown his son if he ever endorsed bringing TO to Atlanta. The best I'm getting on Countdown is Irvin and Jackson screaming "Jacked-Up" at one another while Stu Scott winks at them with his good eye.
There have been a lot of rampant rumors in NFL circles that Dick Vermeil is planning to retire from the Kansas City Chiefs at the end of this season. The hot name attached to this potential opening is current New York Jets head coach Herman Edwards. I guess if Kansas City GM Carl Peterson is looking for a coach who will butcher the clock and blame his assistants for his own failings, he found his guy. But I digress.
Edwards vehemently denied the rumors as we would all expect him to do. But the message he was sending told a different story. Edwards was asked why with 7 minutes left in this past week's blowout loss to the Carolina Panthers, he had his quarterback handing the ball off and running down the clock. Keep in mind, the score at the time was 23-3. Herm's answer was that his players looked shellsocked and their body language showed him like that had enough. So, in other words, his players quit and Edwards let them.
Back when PJ Carlesimo was coaching the Portland Trailblazers, I remember watching him coach a regular season game when he kept his players trapping and fouling right until the buzzer, even though they were down 8 points with 10 seconds left. After the game a reporter asked him why he kept fouling when the game was out of reach. He answered that if he kept them focused to the buzzer in games that were out of reach, it taught them to stay focused to the buzzer on games that were in reach. This past Sunday, Herm stopped teaching the Jets. He let them quit, because at the end of the season he's going to. Stick a fork in him. He's done.
Living in the New York Metropolitan area, I've come to develop an appreciation of the passion of the world famous New York media. Yet, as time goes on, the passion towards negative reporting has become overwhelming. This fall, recently suffering New York Ranger and Knick fans are both enjoying renaissances. The Rangers are in first place in their division with the best player in the sport in Jaromir Jagr. Yet, when you read the local papers, it seems like no one cares. When the Rangers stunk, local reporters had a blast beating up Glen Sather, Eric Lindros, Alexei Kovalev, and every coach the Rangers have had since Mike Keenan. Now that they're good, the tone of the writing wreaks of indifference. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate non-biased journalism more than most. But if you bash aggressively, you need to dole out credit with the same enthusiasm to maintain journalistic credibility.
The Knick renaissance is more like a light at the end of the tunnel. The presence of Larry Brown brings hope for the future. But the current fortunes of the Knicks rest squarely on the ability of Stephon Marbury and Brown to coexist productively. Most Knick followers expect this player coach/relationship to fail miserably. Nonetheless, it qualified as big news when Marbury had trouble in the first 5 games of the year grasping Brown's style of play as the Knicks limped to an 0-5 start. However, in the last two, the Knicks have won in back to back nights on the West Coast, and Marbury has played more the way Larry wants him to. The tone that comes from the beat writers is almost one of disappointment. Now, I really don't think the Brown/Marbury relationship is going to work either. But as a Knick fan, I'm hoping it is. I also think that I'm a little different than most New Yorkers in that I don't mind being wrong. Our local experts all predicted misery for the Rangers and the Knicks. And if there's one thing New Yorkers hate, its being wrong.

Back in the late 70's, New York Yankee reliever Sparky Lyle wrote a book titled, "The Bronx Zoo" about the soap opera atmosphere surrounding the Yankees organization. But after the events of the past week, the Yankees' environment is downright normal compared to that of the Boston Red Sox.
As I'm sure most of you know, Red Sox general manager Theo Epstein resigned on Monday after reportedly agreeing to a contract extension. This came as a surprise to many because Epstein grew up in the Boston area as a lifelong Red Sox fan, attended Harvard in nearby Cambridge, Massachusetts, and was responsible for assembling the team that won the Red Sox' first World Series in 86 years. But there were other forces at work here that I find somewhat amazing.
The center of this whole Epstein storm revolved around a column that was written in this past Sunday's Boston Globe by long time Globe columnist Dan Shaughnessy. If you did not see the article, here's the link. http://www.boston.com/sports/baseball/redsox/articles/2005/10/30/lets_iron_out_some_of_this_dirty_laundry//
In a nutshell, the column essentially paints Epstein as Red Sox president and minority owner Larry Lucchino's lackey and discredits much of Epstein's baseball acumen. It is widely known throughout Red Sox nation that Lucchino and Epstein had beeen at odds for quite a while. And that leads us to what makes this article so downright disturbing.
The company that owns the Boston Globe owns a 17% interest in the Boston Red Sox. And after last year's championship season Shaughnessy was given full access to the Red Sox and their front office to write his book about this championship season. And its certainly no secret that one of Shaughnessy's essential functions is to serve as Lucchino's mouthpiece. The outrageous part is that Lucchino would feel the need to discredit a general manager with whom he just agreed to a contract extension. And what kind of columnist lowers himself to patronize this nonsense. This massive conflict of interests has soiled the entire media community in Boston. The Patriots complain that they've won 3 out 4 Super Bowls, but they're covered 1/3 of the amount of the Red Sox. The Boston Herald complains that they're given a paltry amount of media access to the Red Sox. Yet, Shaughnessy, Lucchino and the Globe exhibit no shame. Its one thing to provide preferential access to a particular media outlet or to report in a biased fashion slanted towards a certain franchise. But how can this newspaper expect to maintain a shred of journalistic credibility when they use valuable editorial space to indulge the insecurities of a bitter executive who happens to be a minority partner of a business interest owned by the paper's parent company.
Now I hate to sound like a typical New York sports fan, but this truly would never happen in New York. The best example is the New York Post. The Post is the most sensational of the legendary New York tabloid newspapers. The Post is owned by News Corp. News Corp also happens to be the parent company of the Fox television network. The Post employs a columnist named Phil Mushnick who specializes in critquing broadcasting. Mushnick routinely bashes Fox' television sports coverage. Its quite obvious that no one from News Corp is censoring him. This level of journalistic integrity comes from the New York paper that historically carries the least amount of credibilty. This situation in Boston is an unfathomable injustice to the sports fans of New England.
The above reference to New York makes a nice segue into the second thing I want to discuss today. Earlier this week, the New York Daily News reported that the Yankees had warned Alex Rodriguez to stay out of Poker clubs in Manhattan. Evidently, A-Rod was seen at a Manhattan poker club with Phil Hellmuth, the most famous poker player in the world. A-Rod's agent Scott Boras denied that he was warned, but the damage was already done.
These poker clubs are illegal operations if the proprietors are profiting from the tables, which is by and large the norm. So any kind of media attention is negative attention for these places. After this week's Daily News story, most clubs in the city closed their doors. My best friend was a weekly tournament player at one of these locations which is now shut down. The convenience of his weekly recreation no longer exists.
Please understand that I don't make a habit of condoning illegal activity, and I do recognize that poker can be a dangerous form of gambling, but for a responsible adult who risks a small amount of money relative to that individual's financial situation, its a highly enjoyable form of leisure. So obviously with that said, I am not judging A-Rod for his desire to play poker.
Alex Rodriguez has a reputation in baseball circles for being an unlikeable guy. His detractors call him things like arrogant, pompous, and a guy who "tries too hard." Personally, I've never been a big fan. Its nothing I can pinpoint, but his demeanor just rubs me the wrong way. And I would definitely dislike him just the same if he wasn't on the Yankees. So keep that in mind when I tell you that incidents like these contribute to what I believe is a well earned reputation.
Is A-Rod going to one of these places to play poker or garner attention?? I believe the answer is obvious, because if he just wanted to play poker, why walk in with one of the most famous poker players in the world. He's obviously so selfish that he never considered the consequences of his actions to others. If A-Rod wanted to play poker with Phil Hellmuth, why not do it where its legal. He's got Foxwoods two hours north and Atlantic City two hours south. If he wanted to play with Hellmuth with no attention, one of these casinos would furnish him with a private game in a private room. If he wanted a tournament, they'd make him a tournament. If he wanted security, they 'd give him security up the yingyang. Heck, if he wanted a private helicopter, he'd get that also. This whole situation exhibited a gross lack of concern for anyone but himself. It was the move of an arrogant, pompous attention hog. Come to think of it, isn't that what people say about him.......
In attending this past Thursday night Rangers-Devils game on Thursday, I was engaged in a very interesting mental debate. You see, a woman sat in the seat next to me wearing perfume that smelled like a skunk urinated in a vase containing six month old rotted flowers. It was one of those odors that made you gag every other breath. And very frankly, it hampered my enjoyment of the game. Then, on the way home, one of my buddies in the car let one rip like I've never smelled before in my life. It was like a ground hog died in his rear end. This caused me to ponder, which odor was worse?
After careful deliberation, I think my answer will surprise you. You see, as bad as the fart is, being in a car on the highway gives me the abiltiy to air the car out rather quickly. You don' get more than a few breaths of the odor before you start evacuating it. That stinking perfume stays with you all night. And after about 45 minutes straight of smelling it, the odor sticks in your nose long after the smelly broad gets up and leaves.

A few NFL thoughts for a fall Tuesday evening.

Being the diehard Giant fan that I am, I possess almost an unnatural admiration of Bill Parcells as a football coach. Out of the 3 greatest game coaching jobs I've seen in all of my years of watching pro football, Parcells authored two of them. (both in the same year -91 Championship game + 91 Super Bowl and Belichick authored the other one- 2001 Super Bowl). I have great respect for the job he did resurrecting the Jets organization. And I can listen to this guy talk football forever. Which makes it so hard to point out what I'm observing from him this season. He's lost something off of his proverbial fastball.
Over the years, Bill has lost his temper plenty. But you always got the impression on the sidelines that it was a controlled, strategic rage. Not two weeks ago in Seattle. He literally threw a punch on the sidelines at his receivers coach Todd Haley. I hate to say this, but it wasn't much different than what got Buddy Ryan run out of football. The Parcells I grew to love never would have lost control like that on the sidelines.
But its not only his temper. He's making football decisions I've never seen him make before. A few weeks back against the Giants, The Cowboys recovered a fumble at their 1 yard line with 1:26 left in the game. The Giants had 2 timeouts left. The Cowboys ran on 1st and 2nd down into the line for no gain. After each play, the Giants used a timeout. On 3rd down, with the Giants having no timeouts, Bill called a pass play and Bledsoe was forced to throw it away. With 1:12 left on the clock Parcells pissed away a chance to run 40 seconds off the clock with a 7 point lead. Its not like that 40 seconds mattered when Shockey scored the game tying touchdown with 25 seconds on the clock. No one talked about this anywhere because Dallas won the game, but thats a mistake you see Mike Martz make, not Bill Parcells.
Then we have the next week in Seattle. The Cowboys get the ball at their own 41 with 33 seconds left. 1st down, Bledsoe hits Glenn for 6 yards. 2nd down is an incomplete pass with a 10 yard holding penalty on Dallas. Now its 2nd and 14 with 19 seconds left and Bledsoe hits Glenn for 7. So with 3rd and 7 from their own 44, Bledsoe throws a sideline pattern 13 yards down the field thats woefully underthrown and intercepted and run back to the Dallas 30. Now although you can't blame the coach for a badly thrown ball, whats the purpose of the pattern?? At most, you'll have time for 1 more play, and the pattern was only called to the Seattle 43. Even if the pass is completed, it does nothing for you. Its a play that carries all risk and no reward. You're too far for a field goal. So the best you're hoping for is risking a turnover to set up a Hail Mary. Parcells always prided himself on his teams being better and smarter late in games, but he's making mistakes himself that he never made in his career. With all that said, I still think Dallas is a playoff team, but these issues Parcells has had bear watching since he's got 4 games remaining against the other 3 great coaches in the NFC East.

Interesting thing happened this weekend in the Giants/Redskins game this past weekend. The Giants defense looked like the 85 Bears. The only problem is that the Giant defense is probably an average defense at best. They had their best game of the year because they knew all of the plays. This past offseason, the Giants added ex-Redskin QB Tim Hasselbeck and ex-Redskin middle linebacker Antonio Pierce. Hasselbeck is only in the league because of a superior mental approach. His physical tools are on the lower end of most NFL quarterbacks, but he's much smarter than the average bear. Pierce was the captain of that defense who made all of the defensive calls. It was extremely obvious that these two played an enormous role in preparing this football team on both sides of the ball. As I heard Daryl Johnston discuss it during the game on Sunday, I thought to myself why you don't hear more about this kind of thing and do general managers sometimes target players in free agency who played in their divisions for this reason. The tonight on the internet, I see the headline, "Palmer sings with Niners." Mike Nolan signed Jesse Palmer for this week's Giant game. He needs a quarterback and this guy gives his team a big time preparation edge. It's a very smart move by a coach who could be a future coaching star. Everyone connected to the league has the greatest things to say about this guy. Moves like this make me it easy to see. Keep in mind, Gruden won a Super Bowl because he knew all of the Raiders plays. Its an advantage that functions as a great equalizer.

So in an earlier post, I lamented cleaning up the dreaded accident in your child's pants. And thats pretty gross, but not as gross as cleaning the "NDZ". But you know whats worse than both. The playdate accident. When your kid has a playdate who dumps in his/her own pants. When its your own kid, you can deal with the smell and the cleanup a little easier. The smell is nothing new to you. But the smell of another kid's poop is a foreign smell that can put your nasal passages into toxic shock. And if its your own kid, if you don't feel like handling the soiled clothes, you can throw them out. We refer to this as "the cost of doing business". When its another kid, you've got to bag the clothes up and send them home with the kid. The sight of the bag normally is enough for your imagination to conjure up th horrific odor and each time you inadvertently look at the bag, you get nauseous all over again.